Once there was a snail who was tired of being slow. He went out and bought a really fast sports car and had the dealer paint a big 'S' on each side of it.

Whenever someone saw him zooming past in his new car, they would say, "Hey, look at that S-car go!"

What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before they got married? Feyonce

How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream

Something for the childen

Hickory Dickory Dock
Two mice ran up her sock
One stopped at the garter,
the other was smarter.
Hickory Dickory Dock

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over the candlestick,
Alas, he didn't clear the flame,
Now he's known as Auntie Mame.

Little Bo Beep loved her sheep,
with them she'd go to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
Now Bo Beep has a little lamb.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each with a buck and a quarter,
Jill came down with $2.50
That fucking whore.

I just put a skylight in my apartment. Boy, are my upstairs neighbors mad.

Look at you, choosing Andrew Dice Clay jokes........ I met him in the early 90’s - he lived next door to a close friend of mine in Brooklyn. He was funny and respectful in private.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

@wisegal36 said:

Look at you, choosing Andrew Dice Clay jokes........ I met him in the early 90’s - he lived next door to a close friend of mine in Brooklyn. He was funny and respectful in private.

The first two came from a 70s magazine called "Goosed" which was Mad Magazine for adults. Of course I read it as a kid. There was also a very Mad-style parody called "Little Oral Annie" (Little Orphan Annie). I think the third one was also from that magazine. The last one, and probably the funniest, is from the Diceman.

@wisegal36 said:

Look at you, choosing Andrew Dice Clay jokes........ I met him in the early 90’s - he lived next door to a close friend of mine in Brooklyn. He was funny and respectful in private.

Thanks for sharing that, Wisegal. It's good to know there's a nice guy behind the obnoxious persona. I hope that's true of other celebrities.

@Dedoc1967 said:

The first two came from a 70s magazine called "Goosed" which was Mad Magazine for adults. Of course I read it as a kid. There was also a very Mad-style parody called "Little Oral Annie" (Little Orphan Annie). I think the third one was also from that magazine. The last one, and probably the funniest, is from the Diceman.

"Little Oral Annie" -- Oh, my.

I took a college class in existentialism. For the final, I handed in a blank paper. I got an A.

Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be if it didn't have all those sponges in it

@autoexec.batman said:

Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be if it didn't have all those sponges in it

Are you saying that the ocean is not sponge-worthy?

What do you call a camel in a drought?

A dry humper

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?" "No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken hasn’t evolved yet.

I plan to live forever. So far so good.

What has hundreds of ears, but can’t hear a thing? A corn field.

Why is a cemetery such a great place to write a story? It’s filled with so many plots.

Ok, I’m done ......... That is all. (For now) 😉