Thanks to John's contest-winning, double-edged essay, Mahalia is named Mother of the Year and faces a custody battle for her kids. The article spurs a home visit from a suspicious child welfare investigator (guest Adams) -- just when taskmaster ""El Capitan"" John is babysitting -- and a custody hearing in which Mahalia and John face off against Mahalia's ex, Stewie, Sr.

Attempting to share John's love of literature, Carly signs up for a course on Ernest Hemingway. In exchange, John agrees to a fitness programme -- with Eggers as his all too personal trainer.

Ray Charles has agreed to perform at Catherine's bar, and John must pick him up at the airport. Meanwhile, after Carly breaks up with him, John's denial is so deep he thinks his therapist is interested in him romantically instead of professionally.

Dexter's estranged father comes to see John's autobiographical play about father-son issues, continually rewritten after comments by the copy shop attendant.

After John gives Eggers advice on how to get the man of her dreams, she uses the opportunity to get him to agree to be her date for a Halloween party. Meanwhile, Gene must prove his mettle by cleaning up a toxic chemical spill.

New policies eliminate hugs and napping in the workplace. John's son gets thrown out of Yale after feigning insanity, but lands on his feet by becoming John's new boss. John quits his job in protest and says that he will concentrate on his writing. Eggers dates a Christ-like figure.

John wants to dictate his screenplay, so he buys a tape recorder from a disreputable electronics retailer. It is ruined by accidentally pouring Cheese H. Taste salad dressing on it and John schemes to get his money refunded by purchasing subsequent recorders with warranties. Hampton volunteers to wear an ""stun vest"" but its remote control falls into the wrong hands. Dexter has trouble breaking up with Jocelyn.

John decides to relive his old New Orleans radio days by becoming ""The Night Hawk"" and hosts a local late night radio program - but has trouble staying awake. A girl rejects Dexter for being out of touch with contemporary black culture. To compensate, he becomes a rapper, but after experiencing ""rapper's block"" he steals Oscar's old song. The women become shoes buddies by pooling their shoes to account for each having two different size feet.

Employees of the bus station must take physicals and a general knowledge test to get reduced insurance rates. John discovers that his college degree is not valid and he is not exempt from the test. He cannot grasp geometry and his worst dream comes true when he tries to cheat on the test. Hampton becomes a mounted policeman to attract attention.

John needs a buddy relationship and goes hunting with Hampton. It becomes an adventure when the truck won't start and they are stranded in the woods. Mahalia drops hints about her upcoming birthday so the gang tricks her into helping plan her own party by saying that it is for Oscar. Jealous that someone else is getting a party, she decides to make awful plans so that the party will be ruined.

Carly's past intimidates John during their honeymoon. Dexter accepts $10,000 to rename his lunch counter.