Employees are reminded to please be on time for the War and Terror.

Use of interoffice messaging services for booty calls is strictly prohibited.

Office computers are for national security purposes only, not for stalking Tinder dates.

Analysts are reminded that their professional skills are not necessarily useful for solving personal matters.

Employees are advised to refrain from doing the jobs of other government agencies.

Visitors to secure facilities should be closely monitored at all times.

Performance reviews will be based on job-related accomplishments and political realities.