Tim Lovejoy has trawled through the archives and picked the Top Ten Greatest Goals of All Time. Who heads the list? Is it Weah, Gascoigne, Maradona, Pele or Ronnie Radford?

Join Tim, Helen and the gang and see if your favourite goals have made the cut.

And see all the Soccer AM characters in this celebration of all that is bizarre, barmy or just plain brilliant from the beautiful game.

As Soccer AM celebrates its tenth season of tomfoolery, it's time to salute the greatest players of the last decade. From the Gallic majesty of Eric Cantona and Zinedine Zidane to the best of British in David Beckham and Paul Gascoigne, there's a festival of fabulous football to enjoy.

Let tTim and Helen guide you through a glut of glorious goals and shameless showboating with some hilarious surprises along the way, including contributions from Soccer AM's crew members: Sheephead, Fenners, Tubes and Rocket plus Barry Proudfoot and Pugsy.

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Fans of the Week: Leeds

Footballer Guest: Chris Perry (Wimbledon)

Other Guest: Mark Foster (fastest swimmer in the world) (supports Spurs)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Liverpool Xmas party 2. Chelsea can't score 3. Forest are doomed 4. Arsenal indiscipline 5. Referee inconsistency

Soccer Locker: George Boateng (Coventry)

What Tim did Before Soccer Locker: Mountain Biking

Can He Kick It? Guest: Gordon Hill (ex Manchester United)

Could He Kick It? Yes

Fans of the Week: West Ham

Score in CHiPS: Two

Footballer Guest: Robbie Savage (Leicester)

Other Guest: Huw Higginson (The Bill)

On the Phone:

-Tony Cottee (Leicester)

-Alan Ball (Portsmouth manager)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. FA Cup cheating 2. FA chief's job 3. Flying hot dogs/sausage rolls 4. Bassett hounded out 5. Man Utd leisure time

Soccerette: Age 24, 5 foot 7, from Doncaster, supports Sheff Utd (is 'Miss Sheffield') and is called Julie.

Soccer Locker: Carl Cort (Wimbledon)

What Tim did Before Soccer Locker: Played the guitar.

Can He Kick It? Guest: George Parris (ex West Ham)

Could He Kick It? No - the Cat saved it.

Fans of the Week: Ipswich.

Score in CHiPS: Zero.

Footballer Guest: Ian Rush (Wrexham; ex Liverpool, Juventus etc)

On the Phone:

-Tony Cottee (Leicester)

-Alan Ball (Portsmouth manager)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Merson unsettled again 2. Venables 3. Giant killing 4. John Hartson 5. Football court cases

Soccerette: Age 16, 5 foot 4, from Barry (Wales), supports Aston Villa and is called Holly.

Soccer Locker: Joe Cole (West Ham)

What Tim did Before Soccer Locker: Tim and Helen both danced.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Joey Jones (ex Chelsea, Liverpool etc)

Could He Kick It? No - the Cat stupidly saved it.

Fans of the Week: Fulham

Score in CHiPS: One

Footballer Guest: Craig Bellamy (Norwich)

Other Guest: Straw: Matty (Manchester City fan) and Roger (Manchester United fan)

On the Phone: Paul Jewell (Bradford manager)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. West Ham in chaos 2. Dubious transfer speculation 3. Liverpool are back 4. Forest and Saints doomed 5. David Ginola diving 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 21, 5 foot 8, from Glasgow, supports Rangers and is called Lee.

Soccer Locker: Martin Pringle (Charlton)

What Tim did Before Soccer Locker: Ballet.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Steve Hodge (ex Leeds, West Ham etc)

Could He Kick It? Yes - Cat dived the wrong way.

Fans of the Week: Gillingham

Score in CHiPS: Zero.

Footballer Guest: Ken Monkou (AKA Storm) (Southampton)

Other Guest: Shovell (M-People) (Gooner)

On the Phone:

-Gary Firmager (West Ham fanzine)

-Kevin Francis (Oxford)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Mike Reed and Chelsea penalties 2. Stan Collymore 3. Arsenal persecution complex 4. Glenn Hoddle 5. Wimbledon/Spurs 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 16, 5 foot 7, from Beaconsfield, supports Spurs and is called Helen.

Soccer Locker: Kevin Francis (Oxford)

What Tim did Before Soccer Locker: Played the piano.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Ted McDougall (ex Liverpool, Man Utd etc)

Could He Kick It? No - he hit it wide.

Fans of the Week: Everton.

Score in CHiPS: Zero.

Footballer Guest: Semassi Abou (West Ham)

Other Guest: Happy Mondays: Bez and Gaz (both Man Utd fans)

On the Phone: Kieron Dyer (Ipswich)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Glenn Hoddle 2. Howard Wilkinson 3. El Tel back in the running 4. Managers not wanting England job 5. Eileen Drewery 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 20, 5 foot 3, from Walthomstone, supports Arsenal and is called Nicole.

Soccer Locker: Paul Furlong (Birmingham)

What Tim did Before Soccer Locker: Played the accordian.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Terry Curran (ex Everton, Derby etc)

Could He Kick It? No - he hit the post.

Fans of the Week: Man Utd

Score in CHiPS: One

Footballer Guest: Mark Hateley (retired) (ex Rangers, Monaco, AC Milan etc)

Other Guest: Gary Stringer (Wolves fan)

On the Phone:

-Ron Atkinson (Forest manager)

-Peter Jackson (Huddersfield manager)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. England manager 2. France too good technically 3. Betting scandals 4. Arsenal international injuries 5. Yorke private life 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 17, 5 foot 7, from Letchworth, supports Liverpool and is called Rebecca.

Soccer Locker: Marc Vivien-Foe (West Ham)

What Tim did Before Soccer Locker: Kung fu.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Paul Parker (ex Man Utd, Chelsea, QPR etc)

Could He Kick It? Yes - and fell over while doing it.

Fans of the Week: West Brom (Baggies)

Score in CHiPS: Zero.

Footballer Guest: Michael Duberry (Chelsea)

Other Guest: Audioweb: Martin and Maxie (Man Utd fans)

On the Phone:

-Joff Wild (Spurs fanzine)

-Doug Ellis (Aston Villa chairman)

-Craig Hignett (Barnsley)

-Gifton Noel-Williams (Watford) called about the 20 pounds of spuds that he and Martin (from Audioweb) bet last season on the show, on the title race between Arsenal and Man Utd

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Spurs are back 2. Dwight Yorke penalties 3. Kevin Keegan 4. Villa's season in freefall 5. Ungentlemanly conduct 6. The millennium

Soccerette: (Same as last week because the Man Utd fans gave her grief) Age 17, 5 foot 7, from Letchworth, supports Liverpool and is called Rebecca.

Soccer Locker: Phillipe Albert (Fulham)

What Tim did Before Soccer Locker: He drew a picture of what the first caller looked like.

Fans of the Week:

-Leicester

-Spurs

Score in CHiPS:

-Leicester 0

-Spurs 1

Footballer Guest: Mark Bright (Charlton)

Other Guest: Beautiful South: Paul Heaton (Sheff Utd fan)

On the Phone:

-Ugo Ehiogu (Villa)

-Frank Worthington (retired)

Footballing Phono Nono's 1. Spurs on for Cup double 2. Keegan must go* 3. Emmanuel Petit 4. Man Utd Euro success 5. Chelsea Euro success 6. American boxing officials are cheats 7. The millennium

*Soccer AM didn't actually think Keegan must go, it was only put in the Phono Nonos so they could say it before all the papers start to.

Soccerette: Age 18, 5 foot 9, from Harrow, supports Arsenal and is called Joe.

Soccer Locker: Keith O'Neill (Middlesbrough)

Can He Kick It? Guest: Garry Birtles (ex Man Utd, Notts Forest etc)

Could He Kick It? Yes.

Fans of the Week: Scarborough.

Score in CHiPS: Zero.

Footballer Guest: Alex Rae (Sunderland)

Other Guest: Steve Pinder (Max Farnham, Brookside) (Blackburn fan)

On the Phone:

-Steve Harahan (Liverpool fanzine)

-Gary McAllister (Coventry)

-Michael Grade (Charlton director)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Bergkamp back to his best 2. Spurs on course for Wembley double 3. Celtic Rangers goal glut 4. Anelka Owen transfer speculation 5. Di Canio still ranting 6. The millennium

Soccerette: (Tim's old teacher) Age 48, 5 foot 10, from Chelmsford, supports Wrexham and is called Miss Griffiths.

Soccer Locker: Harold Bratbakk (Celtic)

What Tim did Before Soccer Locker: He drew a picture of what the first caller looked like.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Alan Cork (ex Wimbledon, Sheff Utd etc)

Could He Kick It? No - hit the post.

Fans of the Week: Derby.

Score in CHiPS: Two.

Footballer Guest: Iffy Onoura (Swindon)

On the Phone:

-John Oster (Everton)

-Neil Redfearn (Charlton)

-Warren Barton (Newcastle)

-Sean Hardy (Leeds kitman)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Fowler/Le Saux war 2. Palace in turmoil 3. Beckham and Simeone 4. Chelsea on for treble 5. Leeds young guns 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 22, 5 foot 7, from Sheffield, supports Sheff Utd and is called Amber.

Soccer Locker: Michael Ball (Everton)

Can He Kick It? Guest: Stan Bowles (ex QPR, Man City etc)

Could He Kick It? No - the Cat saved it.

Fans of the Week: Aberdeen.

Score in CHiPS: Five.

Footballer Guest: Steve Claridge (Portsmouth)

Other Guest: David Soul (Hutch from Starsky and Hutch) (Arsenal fan)

On the Phone:

-Phillip Don (Referee)

-Dave Wallace (Man City fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Man Utd still on for treble 2. Forest certs for relegation 3. Referees 4. Premier League in disarray 5. Villa buying frenzy 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 26, 5 foot 10, from Birmingham, supports Villa and is called Maureen.

Soccer Locker: Robbie Savage (Leicester)

Can He Kick It? Guest: Gary Shaw (ex Walsall, Villa etc)

Could He Kick It? Yes.

Fans of the Week: Walsall.

Score in CHiPS: Zero.

Footballer Guests:

-Kevin Phillips (Sunderland)

-Chris Bart-Williams (Notts Forest)

On the Phone:

-Mark Robins (Man City)

-Kasey Keller (Leicester)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. England injury crisis 2. Whinging foreigners 3. Transfer deadline deals 4. Spurs are back 5. Robbie Savage 6. Oscars 7. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 23, 5 foot 9, from near Wallsall, Poland, supports Poland and is called Basha.

Soccer Locker: Louis Saha (Newcastle)

Can He Kick It? Guest: Geoff Pike (ex West Ham, Notts County etc)

Could He Kick It? Yes.

Fans of the Week: Cardiff.

Score in CHiPS: Zero.

Footballer Guest: Gifton Noel-Williams (Watford)

Other Guest: Gene: Martin Rossiter (supports Cardiff)

On the Phone:

-Frank Lampard Jnr (West Ham)

-John Pearman (Liverpool fanzine)

-Lee Sharpe (Bradford)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Kevin Keegan motivator 2. UEFA Euro decisions 3. Crystal Palace pay cuts 4. Savage vs Edinburgh re-match 5. Celtic upheaval 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 22, 5 foot 6, from Northampton, supports Northampton and is called Tory.

Soccer Locker: Martin Hiden (Leeds)

Can He Kick It? Guest: Phil Parkes (ex West Ham, Ipswich etc)

Could He Kick It? No - The Cat saved it.

Fans of the Week: Newcastle.

Score in CHiPS: Three.

Footballer Guests:

-Emerson Thome (Sheff Wed)

-Juan Cobian (Sheff Wed)

Other Guests: Three Colours Red: Ben (Arsenal fan) and Chris (Sunderland fan)

On the Phone:

-Mark Foster (world's fastest swimmer) (Spurs fans)

-Keith Curle (Wolves)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Robbie Fowler 2. Cole/Yorke partnership 3. Zidane wanting to move to seaside 4. Euro away goals 5. Leeds hold key to title 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 19, 5 foot 4, from Fife, supports Hearts and is called Allana.

Soccer Locker: Graham Stuart (Charlton)

Can He Kick It? Guest: Graham Roberts (ex Spurs, Chelsea etc)

Could He Kick It? No - it hit the post.

Fans of the Week:

-Millwall

-Wigan

Score in CHiPS:

-Millwall 1

-Wigan 3

Footballer Guest: Justin Edinburgh (Spurs)

Other Guests: Kevin Kennedy (Curly Watts from Coronation Street) (Man City fan)

On the Phone: Peter Beardsley (Hartlepool)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Why did Sol do it? 2. Why didn't the ref see Dabizas? 3. Why didn't Arsenal stop Giggs? 4. Why didn't the ref give Keane goal? 5. Why didn't Bergkamp score? 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 19, 5 foot 4, from Horstead, supports Arsenal and is called Sarah.

Soccer Locker: Rodney Jack (Crewe)

Can He Kick It? Guest: Ian Ormondroyd (ex Villa, Leicester etc)

Could He Kick It? Yes.

Fans of the Week: Bradford.

Score in CHiPS: Three.

Footballer Guests:

-Gary Ablett (Birmingham)

-Craig Hignett (Barnsley)

Other Guest: -

On the Phone:

-Andy Selman (Sheff Wed fanzine)

-John Hendrie (ex Barnsley manager)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Chelsea season over 2. Who's got the best run in? 3. Meaningless internationals 4. Man Utd closing in on treble 5. We should all get behind English teams in Europe 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 21, 5 foot 6, from London, supports Newcastle and is called Louise.

Soccer Locker: Ben Thatcher (Wimbledon)

Can He Kick It? Guest: Nigel Clough (ex Liverpool, Man City etc)

Could He Kick It? No - The Cat saved it.

Fans of the Week:

-Charlton

-Blackburn

Score in CHiPS:

-Charlton 1

-Blackburn 3

Footballer Guest: Alex Manninger (Arsenal)

Other Guest: Bob Willis (ex cricketer) (Man City fan)

On the Phone: Ian Harte (Leeds)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Anelka no-show (at PFA awards) 2. Kevin Keegan - England job for life 3. Great win for Scotland 4. Kevin Campbell - Everton saviour 5. Roy Evans sniping at Houllier 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 20, 5 foot 9, from Lancaster, supports Everton and is called Katherine.

Soccer Locker: Ian Pearce (West Ham)

Can He Kick It? Guest: Gary Brooke (ex Spurs etc)

Could He Kick It? Yes.

Fans of the Week: Bury.

Score in CHiPS: Zero.

Footballer Guest: Mark Robins (Man City)

Other Guest: Tony Robinson (actor; Bauldrick) (Bristol City fan)

On the Phone:

-David Johnson (Ipswich)

-Terry Venables (ex England manager)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Title race going to wire 2. Man Utd players' cars 3. Referees are rubbish 4. Keegan walking out on Fulham 5. Footballer of the year awards 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 21, 5 foot 5, from Milton Keynes, supports Man Utd and is called Alison.

Soccer Locker: Kevin Campbell (Everton)

Can He Kick It? Guest: Peter Nicholas (ex Arsenal, Chelsea etc)

Could He Kick It? No - the Cat saved it.

Fans of the Week: Arsenal.

Score in CHiPS: Two.

Footballer Guest: Michael Thomas (Benfica)

Other Guest: Glenn Hugill (was in Coronation Street) (Sunderland fan)

On the Phone:

-Graham Stuart (Charlton)

-Stuart McCall (Bradford)

-Clive Foley (Southampton fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Jimmy Glass 2. Spurs could win title for Arsenal 3. Man Utd last three games are cup finals 4. Whining Anelka 5. Gail Porter 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 18, 5 foot 9, from Brighton, supports Man Utd and is called Victoria.

Soccer Locker: Jason Wilcox (Blackburn)

Can He Kick It? Guest: Ray Stewart (ex West Ham etc)

Could He Kick It? Yes.

Fans of the Week:

-Newcastle

-Man Utd

Score in CHiPS:

-Newcastle 1

-Man Utd 1 (after 60 seconds. After 30 seconds of extra time, Man Utd won 2-0)

Footballer Guest: Peter Beardsley (Retired; ex Newcastle, Liverpool etc)

Other Guest:

-Happy Mondays: Bez, Gaz, Paul (all support Man Utd)

-Mani (Primal Scream) (Man Utd fan)

On the Phone: -

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Ipswich promotion hoodoo 2. Man Utd on verge of making history 3. Newcastle - odds are against them 4. Graham Taylor - coming back to big league 5. Anelka still whining 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 22, 5 foot 5, from Stoke-on-Trent, supports Stoke and is called Carli.

Soccer Locker: Alan Smith (Leeds)

Can He Kick It? Guest: Paul Allen (ex West Ham etc)

Could He Kick It? Yes.

Fans of the Week: Leyton Orient.

Score in CHiPS: Three.

Footballer Guest: Michael Ball (Everton)

Other Guest: -

On the Phone: -

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Man Utd - best team ever 2. Alex Ferguson must be knighted 3. Great to turn tables on Germans 4. Teddy Sheringham 5. Where were you when Solskjaer scored? 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 25, 5 foot 4, from Gillingham, supports Spurs and is called Lisa.

Soccer Locker: Peter Reid (Sunderland manager)

Can He Kick It? Guest: Gus Cesar (ex Arsenal etc)

Could He Kick It? Yes.

Fans of the Week: Aberdeen. Score in LOBSTAR: One.

Footballer Guest: Michael Gray (Sunderland) Other Guest: Shovell (M-People) (Arsenal fan)

On the Phone:

-David Johnson (Ipswich)

-Craig Brown (Scotland manager)

-Paul Taylor (Sheff Wed fanzine)

-Bryan Roy (Hertha Berlin)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Football/pop star combos 2. Man U - looking unbeatable 3. Bobby Robson - back in big time 4. Sheff Wednesday are rubbish 5. Leicester ticket scandal.

Soccerette: Age 20, 5 foot 3, from Great Bookham, supports Liverpool and is called Camelsa

Can He Kick It? Guest: Eddie McGoldrick (ex Arsenal etc) Could He Kick It? Yes - an amazing shot into top right corner - the Cat didn't move.

Fans of the Week: Sunderland. Score in LOBSTAR: Zero. Footballer Guest: Roy Evans (ex Liverpool player and manager) Other Guest: Sneaker Pimps: Liam (Newcastle fan) and Joe (Arsenal fan)

On the Phone:

-Steve McManaman (Real Madrid)

-Danny Mills (Leeds)

-Dermot Gallagher (referee)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Greedy Nicolas Anelka 2. Alec Ferguson book revelations 3. Paul Ince war of words 4. Greedy Jimmy Floyd 5. Des Lynam 6. The eclipse

Soccerette: Age 20, 5 foot 5, from Virginia Walter, supports West Ham and is called Nathalie.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Roy Evans (ex Liverpool player and manager) Could He Kick It? No - the Cat saved it.

Fans of the Week: Everton. Score in LOBSTAR: One. Footballer Guest: Steve Howey (Newcastle)

Other Guests: Ray Winstone (West Ham fan) and Karl Howman (Charlton fan)

On the Phone:

-Dean Saunders (Bradford) -Ken Hedcroft (Hartlepool chairman)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Nightmare start for Newcastle 2. Uriah Rennie 3. Early contenders for goal of the season 4. Roy Keane transfer talks 5. Francis Jeffers on/off transfer 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 21, 5 foot 5, from Northampton, supports Aston Villa and is called Nathalie.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Graham Sharp (ex Everton etc) Could He Kick It? No - the Cat got a leg to it.

Fans of the Week: Aston Villa. Score in LOBSTAR: Zero. Footballer Guest: Lee Sharpe (Bradford) Other Guest: Richard Driscoll (from EastEnders)

On the Phone:

-Andy Morrison (Man City)

-Carlton Palmer (Notts Forest)

-Steve Wraithe (Newcastle fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Ruudi on way out 2. Fans should be nice to Beckham 3. Ian Wright - end of an era 4. Robbie Keane - suprise move to Coventry 5. Too many foreigners in the Premiership 6. The millennium

Soccerette: Age 21, 5 foot 7, from Sunberry-on-Thames, supports ? and is called Kelly.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Dave Bennet (ex Coventry etc)

Could He Kick It? Yes - the Cat went the wrong way.

Fans of the Week: Leeds. Score in LOBSTAR: One.

Footballer Guest: Ian Pearce (West Ham) Other Guest: Dean Headley (cricketer) (West Brom fan)

On the Phone:

-Kevin Ball (Sunderland)

-George Boateng (Aston Villa)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Vieira discipline 2. Record amount of OGs 3. Ruudi nightmare 4. Sheffield Wednesday are rubbish 5. Stuart Pearce England call-up

Soccerette: Age 26, 5 foot 7, from Newbiggin-by-Sea, supports Man Utd and is called Lindsay.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Mark McGhee (ex Newcastle, Hamburg etc) Could He Kick It? Yes - but the Cat got a finger to it.

Fans of the Week: Shrewsbury.

Score in LOBSTAR: One.

Footballer Guest: Rio Ferdinand (West Ham)

On the Phone:

-Paul Jewell (Bradford manager) -Xavier Wiggins (Wimbledon fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Knives out for Shearer 2. Anelka still whining 3. Come on Sweden 4. Scotland our only real chance 5. Future in England kid's hands

Soccerette: Age 21, 6 foot, from Eggem, supports Man Utd and is called Louisa.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Danny Wallace (ex Man Utd etc) Could He Kick It? Danny was injured so Tim took it for him and smacked it past the Cat.

Fans of the Week: Leicester

Score in LOBSTAR: Two

Other Guests: Apollo 440: Trevor (Liverpool fan), Ian (Ipswich fan), Howard (Liverpool fan)

On the Phone:

-Neil Witherow (Palace fanzine) -Rob Nicols (Boro fanzine) -David Rocastle (Saba) -Kasey Keller (Rayo Vallencano)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Blanks fired in Champs League 2. Leicester boardroom bust-ups 3. Ruudi/Gazza love tryst 4. Bosnich - nightmare at United 5. Crystal Palace in turmoil

Soccerettes: There were two this week;

-Called Kelly, age 18, 5 foot 5, from Essex, supports West Ham. -Called Tamlin, age 20, 5 foot 7, from Essex, supports West Ham.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Alvin Martin (AKA Alvin Stardust) (ex West Ham) Could He Kick It? No - the Cat saved it.

Fans of the Week: Hartlepool. Score in LOBSTAR: One.

Footballer Guest: Mark Crossley (Notts Forest) Other Guest: Phil Cornwell (impressionist) (Spurs fan)

On the Phone:

-John Sherdian (Oldham) -Paul Gascoigne (Boro) -Paul Taylor (Sheff Wed fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Chelsea are rubbish 2. Arsenal late goals 3. Sheffield Wednesday are really rubbish 4. David Beckham's temper tantrums 5. David Beckham's dress sense

Soccerettes: Called Fiona, age 20, 5 foot 4, from Staffordshire, supports Port Vale.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Leeory Rosenoir (ex West Ham, Fulham etc) Could He Kick It? No - hit the post and wide.

Fans of the Week: Birmingham. Score in LOBSTAR: One.

Footballer Guest: Craig Hignett (Barnsley) Other Guests: A (punk band): Adam and Jason (Arsenal fans)

On the Phone:

-Andy Mitten (Man Utd fanzine) -Joe Royle (Man City manager) -Vinny Samways (Las Palmas)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Great Euro results 2. Man Utd - dodgy home form 3. Benio Carbone 4. Michael Owen's dark side 5. David Beckham

Soccerette: Called Sabrina, age 20, 5 foot 1, from Birmingham, supports Birmingham.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Jimmy Carter (ex Arsenal, QPR etc) Could He Kick It? No - the Cat saved it.

Fans of the Week: Sheffield Wednesday. Score in LOBSTAR: One.

Footballer Guests: -Neil Ruddock (West Ham) -Paul Gascoigne (Middlesbrough)

On the Phone: Tom Lynn (Sunderland fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Refereeing inconsistency 2. Patrick Vieira 3. Man Utd keeper crisis 4. Sir Alex's bottom problems 5. Moaning Leboeuf

Soccerette: Called Hannah, age 26, 5 foot 7, from Sweden, supports Sweden.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Peter Jackson (ex Newcastle, Huddersfield manager etc) Could He Kick It? No - it went wide.

Fans of the Week: Bristol City. Score in LOBSTAR: One.

Footballer Guest: Gareth Ainsworth (Wimbledon) Other Guest: Mani (Primal Scream) (Man Utd fan)

On the Phone: -Tony Dinning (Stockport) -Kevin Phillips (Sunderland) -George Duncan (Dundee Utd fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Whining Wenger 2. Sweden 3. Fergie success 4. Worthington Cup devalued again 5. Stan Collymore

Soccerette: Called Natasha, age 19, 5 foot 4, from Stevenage, supports Spurs.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Peter Marinello (ex Arsenal etc) Could He Kick It? No - it hit the post and went wide.

Fans of the Week: Norwich. Score in LOBSTAR: One.

Footballer Guest: Rob Ullathorne (no club) Other Guest: Prodigy: Leeroy (Arsenal fan)

On the Phone: -Harry Redknapp (West Ham manager) -Dave Wallace (Man City fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. England Scotland tickets 2. Redknapp/Wenger war of words 3. Chelsea heaven 4. Arsenal defence - end of an era 5. Red cards

Soccerettes: There were 2 twin Soccerettes this weekend;

-Called Laura, age 18, 5 foot 5, from Droylesdon, supports Man City. -Called Stacey, age 18, 5 foot 5, from Droylesdon, supports Man City.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Russell Osman (ex Ipswich etc) Could He Kick It? Yes - bottom right corner.

Fans of the Week: Leyton Orient. Score in LOBSTAR: Two.

Footballer Guest: Robbie Fowler (Liverpool) Other Guest: Gordon Ramsay (world's hardest chef) (Rangers fan)

On the Phone: -Harry Redknapp (West Ham manager) -Dave Wallace (Man City fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Chelsea inconsistency 2. Arsenal shouldn't have played at Wembley 3. Vieira/Razor war of words 4. Man U/FA Cup 5. Man City back in big time

Soccerette: Called Tracey, age 22, 5 foot 5, from Bristol, supports Chelsea.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Mike Duxbury (ex Man Utd etc) Could He Kick It? Yes - bottom left corner.

Fans of the Week: Man City.

Score in LOBSTAR: Two.

Footballer Guest: Jason Roberts (Bristol Rovers) Other Guest: Dominic Mohan (Sun columnist) (Bristol City fan)

On the Phone:

-Georgie Kinkladze (Derby) -Brian Laws (Scunthorpe manager) -Paul Lofthouse (Blackburn fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Cole/Shearer saga 2. Kidd - nightmare year 3. Europe highs and lows 4. Man City on way back 5. Cheating Germans 6. England/Scotland tickets

Soccerette: Called Sally, age 20, 5 foot 6, from Burkenshaw, supports Leeds.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Steve Williams (ex Arsenal, Exeter etc) Could He Kick It? Yes - right hand side.

Fans of the Week: -Motherwell -Swindon

Score in LOBSTAR: -Motherwell (2) -Swindon (1)

Footballer Guests:

-Paul Dalglish (Norwich) -Michael Duberry (Leeds)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Countdown almost over 2. Scotland will play with their hearts 3. England should win on paper 4. Shearer/Cole kiss and make up 5. Scots will try to wind Beckham up

Soccerette: Called Angela, age 20, 5 foot 6, from Coventry, supports Coventry and England.

Can He Kick It? Guests: -Gary Gillespie (ex Liverpool, Scotland etc) -Justin Edinburgh (Spurs)

Could He Kick It? Today there was an England/Scotland penalty shoot-out competition: Justin vs Gary, each taking 3 penalties against the Cat. Justin won 3-2, with the Cat saving one of Gary's penalties.

Fans of the Week: Wigan. Score in LOBSTAR: Zero.

Footballer Guest: Jason Dozzell (Colchester) Other Guest: Kevin Kennedy (Coronation Street) (Man City fan)

On the Phone:

-Marcus Stewart (Huddersfield) -Dave Pendleton (Bradford fanzine) -Dave Chandler (Enfield manager)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Davor Suker's share dealings 2. England scrape through 3. Scotland out with heads held high 4. England players' night out 5. Craig Brown - saved his job for now

Soccerette: Called Emma, age 21, 5 foot 6, from London, supports Arsenal.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Imre Varadi (ex Sheff Wed/Utd etc) Could He Kick It? No - hit bar and went out.

Fans of the Week: Crystal Palace. Score in LOBSTAR: One.

Footballer Guest: Andy Morrison (Man City) Other Guest: Longpigs: Crispin (Stoke fan)

On the Phone: -Neil Lennon (Leicester) -Greg Upton (Villa fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. John Gregory - job on line 2. Man Utd Euro nightmare 3. Chelsea inconsistency 4. Roy Keane contract talks 5. James Bond

Soccerette: Called Emma, age 20, 5 foot, from Walsall, supports West Brom.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Anders Limpar (ex Arsenal, Everton etc) was going to be on the show, but didn't turn up - Rocket was fired for this.

Fans of the Week: Liverpool. Score in LOBSTAR: Two.

Footballer Guest: John Beresford (Southampton)

On the Phone: -Gary McAllister (Coventry) -Geoff Sargant (Patent Office) (Gillingham fan)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Man Utd - best team in the world 2. Joe Cole - new Gazza 3. Worthington Cup - still devalued 4. Lucky Darlington 5. Roy Keane contract stalling - again

Soccerette: Called Joanne, age 24, 5 foot 7, from Warwick, supports Coventry.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Robert Fleck (ex Rangers, Chelsea etc) Could He Kick It? No - the Cat saved it.

Fans of the Week: Plymouth. Score in LOBSTAR: Zero.

Footballer Guest: Peter Ndlovu (Birmingham) Other Guest: Louis Emerick (Brookside) (Liverpool fan)

On the Phone: -Michael Thomas (Benfica) -John Cole (Celtic fanzine) -Angel Cabeza (Marca - Spanish newspaper)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. England vs Germany - time to bury jinx 2. Roy Keane - massive wedge 3. Vialli indiscipline 4. Wembley stadium 5. Whining Petit

Soccerette: Called Nicola, age 17, 5 foot 6, from Gateshead, supports Man Utd.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Kerry Dixon (ex Chelsea etc) Could He Kick It? No - the Cat saved it.

Fans of the Week: Millwall. Score in LOBSTAR: One

Footballer Guests: -Keith Curle (Wolves) -Ade Akinbiyi (Wolves)

Other Guest: Phil Daniels (thespian) (Chelsea fan)

On the Phone: -Matt Le Tissier (Southampton) -John Aldridge (Tranmere manager) -Rob Nicols (Middlesbrough fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. FA Cup devalued 2. Southgate why?????? 3. Boro - nightmare week 4. Ginola Shearer rift 5. Martin Edwards - astonishing attack

Changing Rooms: Paulo di Canio (West Ham) - says that Roy Keane is the best player in the Premiership, Martin Keown is the toughest defender, Old Trafford is his favourite away ground and he revealed his tattoos - on both his arms.

Soccerette: Called Louise, age 21, 5 foot 7, from Hillingdon, supports Wycombe.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Peter Withe (ex Villa etc - currently the Thailand national coach) Could He Kick It? No - another save by the Cat.

Today's show was pre-recorded and repeated throughout the day on Sky Sports 1.

We were given the best highlights from the 'Soccerettes,' and 'Can He Kick?,' goals from divisions 3 to the Premiership and showed highlights from guest interviews including

-Roy Evans -Lee Sharpe -Ray Winstone -Karl Howman -Rio Ferdinand -Neil Ruddock -Paul Gascoigne -Robbie Fowler -Leeroy from the Prodigy

The show also revealed who the Mystery Ref is.... Sky Sports presenter Matt Lorenzo.

Today's episode was a repeat of December 25th's.

Fans of the Week: Blackburn. Score in LOBSTAR: One.

Footballer Guests: -Frank Lampard (Jnr) (West Ham) -Seth Johnson (Derby)

On the Phone: -Xavier Wiggins (Wimbledon fanzine) -Phillipe Albert (Charleoi)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Manchester United 2. African footballers: club v country 3. Leeds' bubble burst 4. Video evidence 5. David Beckham

Changing Rooms: David Batty (Leeds) said that Roy Keane and Paul Ince are the Premiership hardmen, the most diffucult opponent he's faced is Joe Cole and if he had to choose a favourite referee, it would be Graham Poll.

Soccerettes: -Called Rachel, age 24, 5 foot 6, from Nottingham, supports Arsenal. -Called Lindsey, age 23, 5 foot 4, from Milton Keynes, supports Northampton.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Kevin Bond (ex Norwich etc) Could He Kick It? No - yet another save by the Cat.

Fans of the Week: Chesterfield. Score in LOBSTAR: Three.

Footballer Guest: David Burrows (Coventry) Other Guest: Simon Day (Fast Show) (West Ham fan)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Referees 2. Chris Sutton transfer 3. Man Utd - shirt deal 4. Penalty shootouts 5. West Ham v Villa 6. George Weah 7. The bloomin' flu

Changing Rooms: Matt Le Tissier (Southampton) said that the best players in the Premiership are Shearer and Beckham, his best ever match was England B vs Russia B, he supported Spurs as a child, he relaxes by watching TV, playing snooker and his Playstation, he wouldn't play for Portsmouth and his best goal was for Southampton away at Blackburn in 1995.

Soccerette: Called Lucy, age 19, 5 foot 6, from Coventry, supports Coventry.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Mark Chamberlain (ex Sheff Wed, Exeter etc) Could He Kick It? Yes - the Cat didn't move.

Fans of the Week: Southampton. Score in LOBSTAR: Zero.

Footballer Guest: Neil Lennon (Leicester) Other Guest: Ralph Little (Anthony, the Royle Family) (Man Utd fan)

On the Phone: -Efan Ekoku (Grasshopper Zurich) -Jim Milton (Airdrie fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Sunderland bubble burst 2. Bryan Robson - job on line 3. Danny Wilson - stay or go 4. Joe Cole for England 5. Leicester - do or die spirit

Changing Rooms: David James (Aston Villa) said that if he wasn't a keeper, he'd be either on the bench or a striker, the best keeper in England is Nigel Martyn and the best in the world at the moment are Toldo and Buffon. He thinks the best striker he's faced is Batistuta ('strong and quick') his hobbies are gardening and DJ-ing and his best friend in football is Steve McManaman.

Soccerette: Called Marlene, age 22, 5 foot 4, from Luton, supports Luton.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Keith Houchan (ex Coventry etc) Could He Kick It? Yes.

Fans of the Week: Reading.

Score in LOBSTAR: One.

Footballer Guests: -Dean Windass (Bradford) -Dave Beasant (Notts Forest)

On the Phone: -Peter Taylor (Gillingham manager) -Lee Clark (Fulham)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Ian Wright's temper 2. Leicester battlers 3. Tranmere - first cup final 4. Lenient referees 5. Hoddle finally a Saint

Changing Rooms: Stan Collymore (Aston Villa) said that his most memorable match was Liverpool vs Newcastle (4-3), the best player he's played with is Robbie Fowler, his best coach Terry Venables, most diffucult opponent Tony Adams, the worst thing about being a footballer is the press intrusion, his best friend in the game is Jamie Redknapp, he'd never play for Birmingham, his hobbies are music and the internet, his dream move would be to Man Utd, his regret is not winning the Championship with Liverpool and his career highlight is playing for England.

Soccerette: Called Paula, age 26, 5 foot 3, from Cheshire, supports Man Ut

Fans of the Week: West Brom. Score in LOBSTAR: One.

Footballer Guest: Clyde Wijnhard (Huddersfield) Other Guest: Claire Sweeney (Brookside) (Everton and West Brom fan)

On the Phone: -John Gorman (Southampton assistant manager) -Michael MacDonald (ex Sheffield United chairman - wants United and Wednesday to merge) -Gary Stevens (Sunderland fanzine) -Kieron Dyer (Newcastle)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Rejuvenated Teddy Sheringham 2. O'Neill - new Brian Clough 3. Shearer goal celebrations 4. Foreign footballer quotas 5. Beckham joining Arsenal

Changing Rooms: Davor Suker (Arsenal) said that teh best player he's played with is Maradonna, the best thing about being a footballer is that his job is his hobby, the part of his game that needs most improving is his right foot, he relaxes by swimming, he best Premiership was his first of 2 against Villa and the best manager is Arsene Wenger.

Soccerette: Called Sarah, age 22, 5 foot 6, from Hillingdon, supports Ar

Fans of the Week: Oxford. Score in LOBSTAR: Two.

Footballer Guests: -Steve Morrow (QPR) -Danny Maddix (QPR)

Other Guest: Jimmy Nesbitt (from Cold Feet etc) (Man Utd fan)

On the Phone:

-Marcus Stewart (Ipswich) -Jason McAteer (Blackburn) -Pavel Srnicek (Sheff Wed) -Ken Thomson (Deputy chariman, Inverness CT)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Rejuvenated Paul Merson 2. United have won title already 3. John Barnes - had to go 4. Stan Collymore - last chance 5. Referee's goal celebrations 6. Dodgy plane hijacks

Soccerette: Called Lynn, age 19, 5 foot 5, from Newcastle, supports Newcastle.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Brian Gunn (ex Norwich, Arsenal etc) Could He Kick It? Yes - the Cat was nowhere near.

Fans of the Week: Gillingham. Score in LOBSTAR: Two.

Footballer Guest: James Beattie (Southampton) Other Guests:

-Artful Dodger: Peter (Southampton fan) -Bradley Walsh (comedian) (Arsenal fan)

On the Phone: -Jim Leighton (Aberdeen) -John Aldridge (Tranmere manager) -Barry Kilby (Burnley chairman)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Footballer's indiscipline 2. Gazza - insult to injury 3. Arsenal season over 4. Ian Wright's itchy feet 5. Stan Collymore

Changing Rooms: Joe Cole (West Ham) said: his childhood heroes were Gazza, Maradonna and Ian Wright, his toughest opponents have been Ryan Giggs and Harry Kewell. His game to forget would be Tranmere in the FA Cup this season, his strengths are his quick feet and he said that if he wasn't a footballer, he'd probably work on his dad's fruit and veg stall.

Soccerette: Called Nathalie, age 20, 5 foot 7, from Chiswick, supports Brentford.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Kenny Hibbitt (ex Wolves etc) Could He Kick It? No -

Fans of the Week: -Leicester -Tranmere

Score in LOBSTAR: -Leicester 2 -Tranmere 0

Footballer Guest: Spencer Prior (Derby) Other Guest: Reef: Gary Stringer (Wolves fan)

On the Phone: -Sam Allardyce (Bolton manager) -David Kelly (Tranmere)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Beckham/Ferguson rift 2. David Challinor's throw 3. Emile Heskey - great performance 4. Leicester fired up 5. Gazza - Australian transfer rumours

Changing Rooms: Thierry Henry (Arsenal) revealed that he supported Marseilles as played with is Zidane, his toughest Premiership opponents are Ryan Giggs and Jaap Stam (who he said is 'best defender in the league'), his best goal was against Bradford, his strengths are his pace and his weakness is that: 'I'm tall, so I should score more with my head,' if he wasn't a footballer, he'd be playing basketball, his nickname is Titi and he wouldn't ever play for Spurs; 'I'm a Gooner.'

Soccerette: Called Bethany, age 20, 5 foot 7, from Great Yarmouth,

Fans of the Week: Middlesbrough. Score in LOBSTAR: Two.

Footballer Guest: Gianluca Festa (Middlesbrough) Other Guest: Mark Williams (Fast Show, The Strangerers) (Villa fan)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Shearer retirement 2. De Goey - basic error 3. David Beckham's lifestyle 4. Ryan Giggs - on fire 5. Gazza - made an example of 6. The bloomin' Brits (Helen spelt it blummin')

Soccerette: Called Ruth, age 21, 5 foot 4, from Sussex, supports Chelsea.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Alex Williams (ex Man City etc) Could He Kick It? No - another Cat save.

Fans of the Week: Darlington. Score in LOBSTAR: Two.

Footballer Guest: Carlton Palmer (Coventry) Other Guests: Happy Mondays: Gaz and Paul (Man Utd fans)

On the Phone: -Chris Powell (Charlton) -Bob Cooper (Norwich chairman) -Barry Hatch (Arsenal fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. David Beckham (again) 2. Whining Petit 3. Ian Wright goal drought 4. FA misconduct charges 5. Whining Leboeuf 6. Liam and Robbie

Soccerette: Called Sylvia, age 28, 5 foot 6, from Tottenham, supports Spurs.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Hard man Mark Dennis (ex Birmingham, QPR etc) Could He Kick It? No - yet another Cat save.

Fans of the Week: Blackpool.

Score in LOBSTAR: Zero.

Footballer Guests: -Terry Phelan (Fulham) -Michael Thomas (Benfica)

Other Guest: James Gaddas (Coronation Street) (West Ham fan)

On the Phone: -David Johnson (Ipswich) -Joff Wild (Spurs fanzine) -Jonathon Gould (Celtic)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Whining Wenger 2. Heskey cheat storm 3. Last game at Wembley 4. Old footballers 5. English clubs - Euro success 6. Beckham's hair do

Changing Rooms: Junino (Middlesbrough) says that his hero as a boy was Zico, that his skills are natural, the most skillful opponents he's faced have been Kanu and Denilson, the best player he has played with is Ronaldo ('powerful - the complete footballer'), his best Premiership goal was a header against Chelsea at the Riverside and he said that Gazzaa is more skillful than he is.

Soccer AM Gold: the legendary Scooby Doo opening gag from ages ago.

Soccerette: Called Sarah, age 21, 5 foot 6, from Wolverhampton, supports Wolv

Fans of the Week: Leeds Score in LOBSTAR: One

Footballer Guest: Alessandro Pistone (Newcastle)

Other Guests: -Alex Tudor (cricketer) (QPR fan) -Mark Butcher (cricketer) (QPR fan) -Mark Foster Foster (fastest swimmer ever) (Spurs fan)

On the Phone: -Spencer Prior (Man City) -Paul Taylor (Sheff Wed fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. David Beckham (still) 2. Sheffield Wednesday - club in turmoil 3. Chelsea - too many foreigners 4. Kieron Dyer's private life 5. Mouthwatering Euro draws

Changing Rooms: Jody Morris (Chelsea) said; the best player he's played with is Mark Hughes, his boyhood hero was Gazza ('best in the world at the time'), his most memorable match was Galatasary away, the most skillful player at Chelsea is Zola ('quickest feet I've seen in football'), his best friend in football is Michael Duberry; 'he calls me fat head, but his is bigger than mine, and its shaped like a baked bean'

Soccer AM Gold: the Valentine's Day sketch; when Helen c

Fans of the Week: -Aston Villa -Bolton

Score in LOBSTAR: -Aston Villa 1 -Bolton 0

Footballer Guest: Mike Stowell (Wolves) Other Guest: Philip Olivier (Brookside) (Liverpool fan)

On the Phone: -Sam Allardyce (Bolton manager) -Jim Smith (Derby manager) -Stan Collymore (Leicester)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Charlton - promotion certainties 2. Leicester ticket scandal 3. Nicolas Anelka - grovelling apology 4. Fulham 5. Thierry Henry - on fire 6. Madonna & Guy Ritchie

Changing Rooms: Trevor Sinclair (West Ham) said his boyhood hero was John Barnes, he supports Man City, the best manager he's worked with has been Dave Sexton, the best players he's played with have been Les and Rio Ferdinand and Paulo di Canio, Kewell is the best player in the Premiership, followed by Kanu and his best goal was for QPR vs Barnsley in the FA Cup (that bicycle kick from outside the box)

Soccer AM Gold: Soccer AM: The Movie

Soccerette: Called Nathalie, age 17, 5 foot

Fans of the Week: -Chelsea -Newcastle

Score in LOBSTAR: -Chelsea 0 -Newcastle 0

Other Guests: -Beautiful South: Paul Heaton (Sheff Utd) -Ray Winstone (West Ham fan)

On the Phone: -Dean Holdsworth (Bolton) -John Griffin (creator of the holy grail of football; the Coventry chocolate brown kit) -David James (Aston Villa) -Roy Evans (Fulham assistant manager) -Ronnie Rosenthal (football agent, ex Spurs, Liverpool, Watford etc)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Man Utd - title wrapped up 2. Macca's back 3. Chelsea - Euro heaven 4. Sheff Wed - doomed 5. Best dressed fans 6. Tim's bloomin' knee

Soccerette: Called Rosie, age 19, 5 foot 9, from St Albans, supports QPR.

Can He Kick It? Guest: John Hendrie (ex Barnsley, Newcastle etc) Could He Kick It? No.

Fans of the Week: -Stoke -Bristol City

Score in LOBSTAR: -Stoke 2 -Bristol City 3

Footballer Guest: Tommy Johnson (Celtic)

Other Guests: -Nick Berry (Harbour Lights etc) (West Ham fan) -Todd Carty (EastEnders) (West Ham fan)

On the Phone: -Gordon Taylor (FA executive) -Steve McManaman (Real Madrid)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Wimbledon - club in crisis 2. Too many foreigners (again) 3. Stoke City feng shui mumbo jumbo 4. Petit - FA fine 5. Lucky Chelsea 6. Bungs

Changing Rooms: Ryan Giggs (Man Utd) revealed that his boyhood heroes were Bryan Robson ('he had everything') and Mark Hughs, the best player he's played with is Eric Cantona, the best played he's played against is Rivaldo, the biggest win-up merchant is Dennis Wise, the best player in the Premiership is Roy Keane, his most memorable game was Man Utd vs Arsenal in the FA Cup Semi Final in 1999, and he has 2 goldfish in his kitchen - no more than that and no fish staircases!

Soccerett

Fans of the Week: Wimbledon. Score in LOBSTAR: ""A big fat lonely second division zero.""

Footballer Guests: -Jamie Lawrence (Bradford) -Martin O'Connor (Birmingham)

Other Guests: Top Loader: Julian (West Ham), Rob (Chelsea) and Joe (Liverpool)

On the Phone: -Richard Murray (Charlton chairman) -Dave Beasant (Notts Forest) -Don Hutchinson (Everton)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. European disappointments 2. Wimbledon - on the edge 3. Sheffield Wednesday - great escape 4. Arsenal - flying the flag 5. Van Nistlerooy

Changing Rooms: Ian Harte (Leeds). He supported Liverpool and Man Utd as a child, the best player he's played with is Roy Keane, the best players he's faced are Batistuta and Beckham, his player of the year is Kevin Phillips, the best goal he's scored was vs Derby (home) last season, the West Ham fans have given him the most stick, the biggest wind-up merchant is Dennis Wise and the dirtiest Leeds player is Alan Smith.

Soccerette: Called Katie, ag

Fans of the Week: Ipswich. Score in LOBSTAR: Zero.

Footballer Guest: Stan Collymore (Leicester) Other Guests: The Charlatans: Tim and Mark (both Man Utd fans)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Vialli - back to Serie A 2. Van Nistlerooy 3. Thierry Henry - flying 4. Olsen - done a bunk 5. Wenger - back to Japan

Soccerette: Called Jade, age 18, 5 foot 8, from Manchester, supports Man City.

Can He Kick It? Guest: David Hirst (ex Sheff Wed etc) Could He Kick It? Yes - top right corner.

Fans of the Week: Man City. Score in LOBSTAR: One.

Footballer Guest: Colin Calderwood (Notts Forest)

Other Guest: -Lee Boardman (Coronation Street) (Man Utd fan) -Simon Gregson (Coronation Street) (Man City fan)

On the Phone: -Iain Blair (Director of administration of the SPL) -Steve Stuart (Walsall fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Wimbledon 2. Bradford - great escape 3. Liverpool running out of steam 4. Spurs buying everyone 5. Man City jumping the gun

Changing Rooms: Phil Neville (Man Utd) said that his boyhood hero was Bryan Robson, the best player he's played with is Ryan Giggs (followed by Schmeichel and Cantona) - to said Giggs is the best left winger in the world - the best players he's played against are Ruud Gullit and Romario, his most memorable game was Man Utd vs Arsenal (FA Cup Semi Final last season), his best goal was vs Chelsea (away), his favourite away ground is St James' Park and his best friend in football is Gary Neville.

Socceret

Fans of the Week: Bradford. Score in LOBSTAR: One.

Footballer Guests: -Cedric Roussel (Coventry) -Darryl Powell (Derby) -Gerry Taggart (Leicester)

On the Phone: -Craig Hignett (Barnsley) -Terry Burton (Wimbledon manager) -Tim Clarke (Millwall fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Man City - back in the big time 2. Pitch invasions 3. Bradford or Wimbledon for the drop 4. Ipswich play-off jinx 5. Gazza Aussie transfer 6. The internet

Changing Rooms: Tim Sherwood (Spurs) said that he supported Spurs as a child, his footballing hero was Glenn Hoddle, the best player he's played with is Alan Shearer, the best he's faced is Gazza, his toughest opponents are Ronnie Whelen and Steve McMahon, his favourite away ground is Old Trafford and Arsenal fans give him the worst stick.

Soccerette: Called Kate, age 24, 5 foot 10, from Sevenoakes, supports Man City.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Lou Macari (ex Man Utd, Celtic) Could He Kick It? Yes - Cat went the wrong

Fans of the Week: -Chelsea -Aston Villa

Score in LOBSTAR: -Chelsea 1 -Aston Villa 2

Footballer Guest: Dean Windass (Bradford)

Other Guests: -Mark Williams (Fast Show, The Strangerers) (Villa fan) -Blur: Damon Albarn (Chelsea fan) -Phil Daniels (Chelsea fan)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Bradford great escape 2. Wimbledon end of an era 3. Fowler future 4. Arsenal penalties 5. Asterick cup final 6. Ali G culture

Changing Rooms: -Tore Andre Flo (Chelsea) said that his footballing hero was Maradonna, he supported Birmingham when he was a child, the best player he's played with is Zola, the toughest defenders he's faced are Tony Adams and Colin Hendry, his best goal was either of his 2 vs Aston Villa (away) last season, his strengths are his skills and his weakness is that he needs to improve his toughness, and his career highlight was winning the European Cup Winners' Cup with Chelsea

-Lee Hendrie (Aston Villa) revealed that his footballing hero w

Fans of the Week: -Barnsley -Ipswich

Score in LOBSTAR: -Barnsley 1 -Ipswich 0

Footballer Guest: Dean Holdsworth (Bolton)

Other Guests: -Jack Ryder (EastEnders) (supports Newcastle) -Shovell (M-People) (Arsenal fan)

On the Phone: Tino Asprilla (Palmeiras)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Babies 2. No left footers in England squad 3. Celtic job 4. FA Cup Finals are always dull 5. David James

Changing Rooms: - (it was going to be Jason McAteer, but there wasn't enough time)

Soccerette: Called Nicky, age 20, 5 foot 7, from Birmingham, supports Aston Villa.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Paul Stewart (ex Spurs, Liverpool etc) Could He Kick It? Yes - bottom left corner.

Fans of the Week: Man City - said that if money was no concern, they'd sign either Cantona or Pires and their all time heros are either Denis Law or Colin Bow.

Score in Feed the Goat: Three.

Footballer Guest: John Beresford (Southampton) Other Guests: -Michael Greco (EastEnders) (Chelsea fan) -Perry Fenwick (EastEnders) (West Ham fan)

On the Phone: -Mark Staniford (Everton fanzine) -Les Ferdinand (Tottenham) -Graham Poll (referee)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. The term 'the usual suspects' 2. Too many foreigners 3. Players wages are too high 4. Roy Keane 5. Chelsea mutiny

Changing Rooms: Gareth Southgate (Aston Villa) said that his footballing hero was Bryan Robson, the best player he's played with is Paul Gascoigne, the best player in the Premiership is Roy Keane, his most memorable games have been the FA Cup Final last season, the Euro 96 semi final against Germany and England vs Holland (Euro 96) and vs Italy (away, qualifying for WC 98). His worst

Fans of the Week: Cardiff - said that if money was no concern they would sign Nathan Blake (hmm, okay) and their all time playing hero is Robin Friday.

Score in Feed the Goat: One.

Footballer Guest: Clayton Blackmore (Castleton someone - ex Man Utd, Middlesbrough etc)

Other Guests: -Claire Sweeney (Brookside) (Everton and West Brom fan) -Sheree Murphy (Emerdale) (Leeds fan and Harry Kewell's girlfriend)

On the Phone: -Carlton Palmer (Coventry) -Philip Ham (Ipswich fanzine) -Avis Ryder (Jack Ryder's - from EastEnders - mum) -Ron Wylie (Grimsby tannoy announcer person)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Red cards 2. Referee inconsistency 3. Macca in limbo 4. Wenger aggro 5. Cole recall

Changing Rooms: Don Hutchison (Sunderland) revealed that his footballing hero was Gazza, the best players he's played with are Jamie Redknapp, Ian Rush, Alan Hansen and John Barnes, the best players he's played are the likes of (Roy) Keane and Vieira, the biggest wind-up merchan

Fans of the Week: Hibernian - said that they would sign Paolo di Canio if money was no problem, and their all time heros are George Best and Pat Stanin.

Score in Feed the Goat: Two.

Footballer Guest: Ade Akinbyi (Leicester) Other Guests: Reef: Gary Stringer (Wolves fan) and Kenwyn House (Southampton fan)

On the Phone: -Martin Brodetsky (Oxford fanzine) -Neil Ruddock (Crystal Palace) -George Sephton (Anfield tannoy man)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Late comebacks 2. England injury crisis 3. Freedom of movement law 4. Vinnie's Hollywood fairytale 5. Starsky & Hutch

Changing Room Legends: Pele (probably the best player in the world... ever) said that his father, Zizinho (ex-Brazilian international), George Best and Beckenbauer inspired him to play football, his toughest opponents were Beckenbauer, Bobby Moore and Trappatoni, his most important goal was when he was 17 and making his debut for the Brazilian side against Wales, his wors experience as a footballer

Fans of the Week: Preston - said that they would sign Kirsty Gallacher if they could, and their all-time heroes are Brian Mooney and Sir Tom Finney.

Score in Feed the Goat: One.

Footballer Guest: Peter Swan (York City) Other Guest: Scott Wright (Corrie) (Man Utd fan)

On the Phone: -Peter Taylor (Leicester manager) (AKA Peter the Taylor) -Matt Holland (Ipswich) -Peter Gilham (Brentford tannoy person)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Late comebacks 2. Chelsea bottlers 3. Gregory hates Chelsea 4. Wembley Stadium 5. Owen's wonder week

Changing Rooms: Gary Speed (Newcastle) said his biggest footballing heroes were Hoddle and Barnes, he supported Chester and Everton as a child, the best player he's played with is Gordon Strachan, the best he's faced are Hagi, Rivaldo and Roy Keane, the toughest Premiership opponents are Jaap Stam, Paul Scholes, Terry Henry, Vieira and Bergkamp, the most aggressive player is David Batty and the weakness in Speed's game is his passing t

Fans of the Week: West Ham - said that they would sign Zidane if they could sign anyone.

Score in Feed the Goat: Three.

Footballer Guest: Jamie Lawrence (Bradford) Other Guests: DJs Tall Paul (Arsenal fan), Alex P (Spurs) and Lonyo (Liverpool fan)

On the Phone: -Steve McManaman (Real Madrid) -Michael Thomas (Wimbledon)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Chelsea's manager 2. Leeds injury problems 3. Man Utd's title already 4. Fulham's title already 5. Fossil fuels (Cole and petrol)

Changing Rooms: Jamie Redknapp (Liverpool) said his biggest influence in his career was his dad (Harry), he supported Luton as a child (to Tim's disgust), his footballing hero (and best player he's played with) is John Barnes, the best he's faced is Zidane, the most physical opponent he's faced is Dennis Wise and his favourite away grounds are Upton Park and White Hart Lane.

Soccerette: Called Vicky, age 18, 5 foot 4, from Hornchurch, supports the Glory Hornet Boys (Watford)

Can He Kick It?

Fans of the Week: Scunthorpe - say that their greatest ever hero is Matt Elliott.

Score in Feed the Goat: Two.

Footballer Guest: Michael Brown (Sheff Utd) Other Guest: Louis Emerick (from Brookside) (Liverpool fan)

On the Phone: Michael Duberry (Leeds)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Leeds late winner 2. Keown's fighting spirit 3. Chelsea 4. Dalglish/Celtic legal battle 5. Stars on the bench

Soccerette: Called Annette, age 19, 5 foot 6, from Canterbury, supports Spurs.

Can He Kick It? Guest: John Wark (ex Ipswich, Liverpool etc) Could He Kick It? Yes - Cat went wrong way.

Fans of the Week: Coventry - say that their greatest ever hero is Tommy Hutchinson.

Score in Feed the Goat: One.

Footballer Guest: Richard Johnson (Watford) Other Guest: Phil 'The Power' Taylor (Darts World Champion) (Port Vale fan)

On the Phone: -Barry Fry (Peterborough boss) -Stuart Preston (Arsenal fanzine) -Jason McAteer (Blackburn)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Chelsea's season over 2. Man Utd's arrogance 3. Stan Collymore 4. Bergkamp's back 5. The expression 'whaasuuup!'

Changing Rooms: Steve Carr (Spurs) said his football hero was Bryan Robson, the best player he's played with is Jurgen Klinsmann, the best he's played against are Ryan Giggs and Jarni (of Real Madrid), the best players in the Premiership are Roy Keane and Beckham, and the biggest wind-up merchant is Gilles Grimandi. He revealed that he would pay to watch Di Canio play and his career highlights have been winning the Coca Cola Cup and his full international debut for Ireland.

Soccerette:

Fans of the Week: Oxford. Score in Feed the Goat: One.

Footballer Guests: -Frank Lampard (West Ham) -Andrew Impey (Leicester) -Tony Woodcock (ex Arsenal, Forest and England)

On the Phone: -Craig Brown (Scotland manager) -Russell Watson (last person to sing national anthem at Wembley) (Man Utd fan) -Gerry Taggart and Neil Lennon (both Leicester and Northern Ireland) - were using same phone

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Beckham's fitness 2. Germany camp trouble 3. Last game at Wembley 4. Autobiographies 5. The expression 'whaasuuup!'

Changing Rooms: - (was gonna be Moustapha Hadji of Coventry, but there wasn't enough time)

Soccerette: Called Louise, age 18, 5 foot 6, from Swindon, supports Crystal Palace.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Tony Woodcock (ex Arsenal, Forest and England) Could He Kick It? Yes - Cat went wrong way again.

Fans of the Week: Derby. Score in Feed the Goat: Three.

Footballer Guest: Paul Williams (Coventry) Other Guests: -Matt Dawson (Northampton.. and England egg chaser) (Everton fan) -Audley Harrison (Olympic British gold boxer) (Footie fan in general - used to support Liverpool) -Darren Campbell (fast runner - Olympic British silver medal 200 metres) (Man Utd fan)

On the Phone: -Graham Kelly (director at Luton - former FA Chief Executive) -John Aldridge (Tranmere manager)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. England manager 2. Ray Parlour's 'goal' 3. England World Cup over 4. Scotland almost there 5. Shaven heads

Changing Rooms: Moustapha Hadji (Coventry) said that he supported AC Milan as a boy, the best player he's played with is Djalmenha, the best he's played against is Diego Maradonna, the best in the Premiership is Ryan Giggs, the most physical opponent is Jaap Stam, the best Premiership goal he's scored was against Arsenal at Highfield Road last season,

Fans of the Week: Middlesbrough - said their greatest ever player is Juninho. Score in Feed the Goat: Four

Footballer Guest: Matthew Le Tissier (Southampton)

Matt Le Tissier - who has remained loyal to Southampton throughout his career

Other Guest: Ian Broudie (Lightning Seeds) (Liverpool fan)

Ian Broudie's Lightning Seed's singles include '3 Lions' and 'Marvellous'

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Terry Venables 2. Arsenal aggro 3. Sacking season for managers 4. Chelsea crisis 5. Dwight's comeback

Changing Rooms: George Weah (now at Marseilles - this is possibly the last interview done with Weah while he was at Man City). He said that his footballing hero was Pele, the best players he's played with are Ginola and Hoddle, the best defenders he's faced include Baresi and Adams, he said that the people of Liberia love him, his nickname is George Opong, and if he wasn't a footballer, he'd be a telephone technician Weah, while at AC Milan, where he won World, European and A

Fans of the Week: Luton. Score in Feed the Goat: Three.

Luton fans decided unanimously that Ricky Hill is their greatest ever player.

Footballer Guests: -Carlton Palmer (Coventry) -Jonathan Macken (Preston)

Jonathan Macken used to play for Man Utd... Carlton used to play for Southampton

Other Guest: Phil Tufnell (cricketer) (Arsenal fan)

You may not know that Tuffer's full name is Philip Clive Roderick Tufnell.

On the Phone: -Jamie Redknapp (Liverpool) -Mark Dingwall (Rangers fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. The England manager situation 2. Man Utd's defence 3. Leeds European despair 4. Fulham's bubble burst 5. Crisis at Ibrox

Changing Rooms: - was going to be ex Leeds and Juventus star John Charles but there wasn't time so he will be on next week Soccerette: Called Kelly, age 22, 5 foot 4, from Enfield, supports Spurs.

Can He Kick It? Guest: David Busst (ex Coventry) Could He Kick It? Yes - top right.

Fans of the Week: Portsmouth - said their greatest ever player is Paul Walsh. Score in Feed the Goat: One.

Footballer Guests: -Steve Sedgley (Wolves) -Marcus Bent (Sheff Utd)

On the Phone: Marcus Stewart (Ipswich) Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Sven Goran Eriksson must go* 2. Heskey sending off 3. Stan Collymore 4. Tony Cascarino 5. Under strength sides

* Soccer AM don't actually think Sven Goran Eriksson should be fired - they're just getting in there early before the papers.

Changing Rooms: - Soccerette: Called Amber, age 24, 5 foot 4, from Burnley, supports Liverpool.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Nigel Spink (ex Villa, WBA etc) Could He Kick It? No - the first Cat save for 7 weeks.

Fans of the Week: Fulham Score in Feed the Goat: One

Footballer Guest: Michael Duberry (Leeds)

'Doobs' - who used to play for Tim's 'Mighty Blues' is out injured for the rest of the season

Other Guests: -DJ Spoony (footballer's favourite DJ, in Ayia Napa) (Liverpool fan) -Nigel Benn (former World Middleweight Boxing Champion) (Man Utd fan)

On the Phone: -Seth Johnson (Derby) -Joe Cole (West Ham)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Playing cards 2. The England squad 3. Roy Keane's outburst 4. Scottish Euro disappointment 5. The US of A

Changing Rooms Legends: John Charles (formerly of Leeds and recently been voted Juventus' best ever foreign player) said that Juve paid £65K for him when they signed him - which 'was a lot then - but they got their money's worth!', that life in Italy was 'wonderful,' the best player he's played with is Sevouri and the best he's played against include Puskas and di Stefano ('he could pass, score, everything'), his nickname was the G

Fans of the Week: Barnet - Nicky Evans is apparently their greatest ever player. Score in Feed the Goat: Four.

Footballer Guest: Neil Ruddock (Crystal Palace)

Razor - still insists that Sir Alan Shearer isn't boring

Other Guests: -Noel Gallagher (Oasis) (Man City fan) -Mani (Stone Roses - now Primal Scream) (Man Utd fan)

Mani and Noel - part of two fantastic British bands

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Injury excuses 2. Captain Beckham's pride 3. Chelsea average again 4. Di Canio's comments 5. England were cheated - again

Soccerette: Called Lauren, age 17, 5 foot 7, from Yateley, supports Chelsea.

Can He Kick It? Guest: David White (ex Man City, Leeds etc) Could He Kick It? Yes.

Fans of the Week: Newcastle - say their best ever player is Tony Green and they prefer Bobby Robson as manager to Keegan. Score in Feed the Goat: Four.

Footballer Guest: Paul Lambert (Celtic)

Lambert is unluckily injured for tomorrow's Old Firm match

Other Guest: Chris Bisson (Coronation Street) (Man Utd fan)

On the Phone: -Justin Edinburgh (Portsmouth) -Dean Windass (Bradford) -Michael Gray (Sunderland)

Footballing Phono Nono's

1. Chelsea are falling apart 2. Tottenham's youth 3. Tore Andre Flo 4. Rio's going to Leeds 5. A must win for Rangers

Changing Rooms: Wes Brown (Man Utd) said that his footballing heroes were Pele, Paul McGrath and Gary Pallister, the best player he's played with is Eric Cantona ('it was unbelievable watching him'), his toughest opponent is Heskey, one of the defenders he admires most is Des Walker, he'd pay to watch Gazza play, his most memorable game was in the Nou Camp against Barca, when it finished 3-3, and he hopes to get a re

Fans of the Week: Halifax - decided Geoff Horsefield is their best player ever. Score in Feed the Goat: Two.

Footballer Guest: Steve Froggatt (Coventry)

Other Guests: Philip Olivier and Paul Byatt (both on Brookie and both Liverpool fans)

On the Phone: -Les Ferdinand (Spurs) -Rob Nichols (Middlesbrough fanzine)

Footballing Phono Nono's 1. Chelsea really are in trouble 2. Vieira indiscipline 3. Venables to Boro 4. Rangers are back 5. Dave Beckham

Soccerette: Called Cheryl, age 18, 5 foot 2, from Farnbrough, supports West Ham.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Tony Cascarino (ex Villa, Celtic, Chelsea etc and, ahem, Ireland) Could He Kick It? Yes - amazing shot down the middles.

Fans of the Week: Man Utd. Score in Feed the Goat: One.

The Man Utd fans decided that Eric Cantona is the greatest ever United player (who they've seen playing)

Footballer Guests: -Nick Wright (Watford) -Michael Appleton (Preston NE)

Other Guest: Phil Cornwell (comedian - he's on Stella Street) (Spurs fan)

On the Phone: -Eidur Gudjohnsen (Chelsea) -James Beattie (Southampton)

Footballing Phono Nono's 1. Sven Goran Eriksson 2. Stan Collymore 3. Neil Lennon 4. Heroic Leeds 5. Problems at Arsenal

Soccerette: Called Lauren, age 18, 5 foot 5, from Uxbridge, supports Arsenal.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Ian Porterfield (ex Sheff Wed, Sunderland and currently manager of both Trinidad and Tobago) Could He Kick It? Yes - the Cat didn't move.

Fans of the Week: Swansea - decided that Alan Curtis is their best ever player. Score in Feed the Goat: A big fat lonely zero.

Footballer Guest: Fabian Wilnis (Ipswich)

Other Guests: -The Charlatans (Tim, now Brazil fan and Mark - supports Man Utd) -Phil Greening (international egg chaser) (Liverpool fan)

Footballing Phono Nono's 1. Michael Owen 2. World's best player 3. Matt Elliott's elbow 4. Newcastle striker crisis 5. Warthogs

Soccerette: Called Louise-Rachel, age 27, 5 foot 4, from Brisbane, Australia, supports Arsenal.

Can He Kick It? Guest: John Beresford (ex Newcastle, Southampton etc) Could He Kick It? Yes - smacked it past the helpless Cat.

Fans of the Week: Leyton Orient. Score in Feed the Goat: Three.

Footballer Guests: -Brian Kilcline (ex Coventry, Newcastle and loads more) -Peter Beardsley (esx Liverpool, Newcastle etc)

On the Phone: Ramon Vega (Celtic)

Footballing Phono Nono's 1. Alan Sugar 2. Robbie Keane 3. Paolo di Canio 4. Robbie Fowler 5. Maradonna's wedding

Soccerette: Called Stacey, age 19, 5 foot 6, from Telford, supports Wolves.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Peter Beardsley. Could He Kick It? Of course he could.

Playlist Included: Add N to X, Outkast, Brassy, Presidents of the USA, Regular Fries, Elvis Costello, Ash and the best of the lot, the new single from Dr Dre feat Snoop Dogg.

Fans of the Week: Warsaw. Score in Feed the Goat: Two.

Footballer Guests: -John Aloisi (Coventry) -Gary Breen (Coventry) -Hassan Kachloul (Southampton) -Taribo West (Derby) -Gus Poyet (Chelsea)

On the Phone: Steve McManaman (Real Madrid)

Soccerette: Called Gail, age 17, 5 foot 4, from Scotland, supports Celtic.

Playlist Included: Mock Turtles, Doves, Ash, King Bee, Happy Mondays but the best of the lot has to be Shotgun Mouth by Last Man Standing.

Fans of the Week: Birmingham - agreed that Trevor Francis is their best ever player. Score in Feed the Goat: Three.

Footballer Guest: Tommy Mooney (Watford) Other Guests: Nick Pickard (Chelsea fan) and Gary Lucy (Gooner) (both from Hollyoaks)

On the Phone: -Greg Upton (Villa fanzine) -Robbie Savage (Leicester)

Footballing Phono Nono's 1. Gregory/Ellis showdown 2. Rebrov 3. Leeds heavy spending fruitless 4. Shearer op 5. The weather

Soccerette: Called Lynn, age 18, 5 foot 3, from Doncaster, supports Sheff Wed.

Can He Kick It? Guest: Tony Grealish (ex West Brom, Man City etc and played abroad for Warsaw) Could He Kick It? Yes - the Cat was left stranded.

Playlist Included: Midfield General, Roxy Music, Azzido Da Bass and the best of the lot has to be Nirvana's ""On A Plain.""

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