You know why you’re so confused all the time? You don’t wash between your toes. It’s that simple.

You dropped out of med school to do what? Dude, the app is called “Snack Swipe.” That shit‘s never gonna work. Just go work for your Uncle… let him teach you how to be man.

So let me get this straight— you don’t do drugs, but you’ll have sex with women you’re not married to…? That’s not nuanced, you’re a hypocrite.

Everyone’s suspicious, man. Maybe your family was in on it, maybe not. Just lay low, and don’t draw attention to yourself. It’ll all die down… maybe. Also, where are all your Mom’s magazines?

Time for a spiritual cleanse. Get this month right, and you’ll have it all figured out. Fast properly, read your Quran, no sex, no porn… bro, close the MacBook! No porn. Just do the Ramadan. Get your life on track.

So you’re doing all this soul searching… dope. What about your sister? Can she? Yeah? How can she find herself if she’s gotta be home by ten? What do you think she– Ramy, where are you going?

Ramy, habibi, it’s Mom. Why don’t you call back? You don’t text, you don’t answer, you don’t even check this voicemail… astaghfirullah… call me. I just want to know you are ok. I made Koshary. Ok, bye.

You need to start getting right with Allah. All you do is focus on yourself… you’re so selfish… And no, not just because he’s in a wheelchair.

ramy min amreeka! iz3yak ya bro! 3amel eh ya 7obby? wa7eshni awi ya brence, wallahi. so pumped ur coming bro. haven’t seen u since u were 8!! a5bar new york we el 3’orba eh ya basha?? and enta landing when? tell me all the flight infozzz, i’ll be there – whatsapp me habibi.

Give in, Ramy. Surrender. Stop overthinking things. Sure, it’s a bit unconventional, but you gotta follow your heart. No matter where it leads. Who knows, you might even find some happiness. Inshallah.

Bro…You want real love? commit to the right person. take the bay’ah.

Hey i’m starting to think those guys at Verizon had a point.

He told you about little Omar! stop acting like you didn’t know! now you gotta explain this dog to your parents?? it’s haraam. you’re just… haraam!

You dress like a skateboarder… but you don’t know how to skateboard?

the shower keeps getting clogged. my feet are just sitting in a puddle of my sweaty body water... You ever feel that? Like, you took a shower, but you feel like you still gotta wash your feet?

Pray two rakat for Ruther Bader Ginsburg.

do not go to a magic show. david blaine is straight up jinn.

masr um el dunya… and it always will be. but america is what I need right now. you’ll see, baba. inshallah.

Yes. Mexicans can go to heaven.

can we just pray together?

are you watching horse porn?

ramy, ramy, ramy, harami!

egypt will be just like america.

the prayer mat is not for sale.

i don't care about your halal/haraam ratio.

the whole village cries.

emotional labor.

praying. be back soon.

austin powers is classic cinema.

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