Tonight Kenny Everett returns with the first show of a new series of fun and frolics all designed to keep you in stitches for the next eight weeks. What's that I hear you say ? You couldn't care less!

So what!!! Neither do we... You seem like an intelligent person. Why don't we have lunch sometime ?

Tonight marks the second show in a series of eight which means it contains one sixth of the total laughs of the series. If you feel that the show had more than its allotted quota of laughs, please send the extra laughs, in a plain brown envelope, to the BBC Television Centre where they will be distributed to less fortunate shows.

Do you have the feeling you have read this before ? You probably have. It's RADIO TIMES blurb no 1678 - fill in name as required.

It's not every day a show like this takes to the air. No, just on Thursdays, so you've got the rest of the week free. I mean, we could be on every night, then where would you be ? But I know you love the show and so do I. You see, I'm always out on Thursday night, so you're on your own.

See Kenny discover the source of the Nile! See him wrestle to the death with a BBC steak and kidney pudding! See-saw Margery Daw! Never before in the history of visual television has one man achieved so much on behalf of so few, and talking of ratings don't miss the finale aboard HMS Wogan when a cast of thousands gives Kenny a 25 torpedo salute. Hooked eh ? Quick, run the film before they go away.

Hi! Kenny Everett here with a personal message to all you out there in viewing land! Now, I don't want to prejudice you in any way about tonight's show but please remember I love animals and children and I have mortgaged my house and my wife so that you can see tonight's show in colour. The BBC thought black and white was more me but I fought them to the last bribe. So why not watch me - gentleman, scholar and all round good egg - tonight. (Do you think they'll swallow that ?)

Guest stars: Alfred Marks and Su Pollard; Musical guests: Chas & Dave