Two and a Half Men (2003)
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Lee Aronsohn — Writer
Episodes 115
Big Flappy Bastards
Despite warnings from Charlie, Jake continues to feed seagulls on the deck and the birds invade the house. Meanwhile, Charlie thinks Judith is taking advantage of Alan, who keeps going to her house to fix things.
Read MoreGo East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
Jake wants to go home to his mom after he gets sick, prompting Alan to think he's a failure as a husband and now as a father.
Read MoreIf They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
Judith is upset with Alan and Charlie when she learns that a surfer who uses Charlie's shower walks around half naked in front of Jake . Then Alan's worried when Judith and the surfer become friends.
Read MorePhase One, Complete
Charlie is convinced that a woman who spent the night with him wants to turn their relationship into something serious after she befriends Jake and Evelyn.
Read MoreMerry Thanksgiving
Realizing he's losing someone special, Charlie plans a Thanksgiving dinner to convince her he's a family guy and that she should be with him.
Read MoreAlan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
When Alan is surprised to see that Judith has had a makeover and is dating a man, he decides to have Charlie help him transform his image.
Read MoreSarah Like Puny Alan
Charlie nurses an ailing Alan back to health so they can go on a double date with two sisters, one of whom Charlie's been wanting to date for a long time.
Read MoreRound One to the Hot Crazy Chick
Charlie invites a mysterious, slightly crazed woman to stay at the house until she can settle some family problems.
Read MoreThat Was Saliva, Alan
Charlie is perplexed when Frankie, the mysterious woman temporarily living in the Harper household, begins falling for Alan and not him.
Read MoreAn Old Flame With a New Wick
Charlie is stunned to learn his ex-girlfriend is now a man.
Read MoreI Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
Judith's devious siren sister stirs things up at Jake's 11th birthday party when she hits on Alan. Meanwhile, Evelyn brings alcohol and has a party of her own.
Read MoreJust Like Buffalo
When Jake repeats one of Charlie's sexist remarks in front of Judith's support group, the women convince Judith to stop Jake's visits with his dad and Charlie.
Read MoreCan You Feel My Finger?
Charlie has a pregnancy scare involving one of his one-night stands and decides to go for the big "V," and we're not talking Vegas.
Read MoreBack Off, Mary Poppins
Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.
Read MoreA Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
Charlie and Alan hire Berta's sister to cater a party their mother has conned them into throwing for her.
Read MoreFrankenstein and the Horny Villagers
Alan meets a woman named Nancy at a grocery store, who fulfills every single one of his desires, forcing Charlie to take care of Jake. After knowing Nancy for a few days Alan decides to ask her to marry him, prompting Charlie to try and talk him out of it, and he even gets help from the brothers' mother.
Read MoreThe Salmon Under My Sweater
Charlie tries to get Jake's approval on a theme song that he is hired to write for a television show, which is based on a comic book that Jake is a fan. While Alan finds out more about Rose (including how smart she is), when he spends more time with her.
Read MoreLast Chance to See Those Tattoos
After getting unusually turned down at a bar, Charlie learns that a website has been made dedicated to exposing his lifestyle. Charlie sets out to find who created the site, making amends to all those he stood up, but it's harder than it looks when all the women take the apology better than expected.
Read MoreZejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)
After an earthquake hits, Judith's house is damaged and she needs a place to stay. So Alan decides to invite her to stay with him and Charlie, without getting Charlie's permission. Charlie isn't happy with this, but accepts it. Alan becomes jealous when Judith goes on a date, and asks Charlie to find him a date, so that he can show Judith that he dates as well.
Read MoreWoo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!
After Charlie has back pain, Alan decides to take him to the Hospital. While there Charlie can't stop hitting on the doctor who is examining him. The only problem is that he has a history with her that he can't remember. Berta is feed up with Jake's inability to use the bathroom properly, so she decides to make him clean it until he learns.
Read MoreA Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise
After Charlie takes Alan to an eye doctor, they end up at cafe where they bump into Charlie's ex-girlfriend, Sherri. While there Alan shows an interest in Sherri, and decides to ask her out. The problem is that Alan can't get over Sherri's relationship with Charlie.
Read MoreI Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
Rose tries to help the brothers sort out their feelings, when Charlie and Alan take their personal frustrations out on each other.
Read MoreWeekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
After falling off the roof, Alan needs Charlie's help in looking after Jake, which interferes with Charlie's social life.
Read MoreThat Special Tug
Charlie sees a therapist to learn how to deal with Alan's emotional insecurities.
Read MoreMy Tongue is Meat
Charlie has trouble keeping up with Mia's healthy lifestyle, so he begins to sneak beers, cigars, and burgers behind her back. When Mia finds out what he was doing, Charlie has to decide if he is truly in love with her or just whipped.
Read MoreThe Spit-Covered Cobbler
Alan starts to have financial problems when he starts paying for his girlfriend's bills, so Charlie tries to get him to break up with her. Meanwhile, Judith is after Alan because he is late in paying his alimony check.
Read MoreAnd the Plot Moistens
Jake’s teacher has a meeting with Alan and Judith to discuss the lack of interest Jake has at school. Alan starts to fall for Francine, in a platonic way, because he is tired of the lack of intelligent communication he has with Kandi. Charlie helps Jake audition for his school musical.
Read MoreJust Once With Aunt Sophie
A girl from Jake’s school invites him to his first boy-girl party. Charlie and Alan help him get ready for it by giving him advice. Alan and Charlie get nostalgic and remember their first boy-girl party.
Read MoreArguments for the Quickie
Mia comes back to town with her dance troupe and invites Charlie to her performance. At first, he decides not to go and tries to convince Alan that he no longer has feelings for her. He goes to the see the performance and Mia explains that she wants some of Charlie’s sperm. Charlie responds by asking Mia for something.
Read MoreWorking for Caligula
Charlie returns to his bachelor lifestyle after Alan moves out of the house. Alan suffers a breakdown after his divorce from Kandi.
Read MoreWho's Vod Kanockers?
Charlie finally tells Alan that he didn't marry Mia because she wanted Alan and Jake to move out of the house, but Alan finds a hole in his logic. Charlie and Alan deal with a noisy neighbor who constantly sings all the time, who happens to be Steven Tyler.
Read MoreThe Sea Is a Harsh Mistress
Charlie tries to surf to impress Dottie, a beautiful woman he just met, but after he nearly drowns he is convinced that he saw his late father.
Read MoreA Pot Smoking Monkey
Alan tries to hire his ex-wife's lawyer to help him win custody over the dog he and Kandi shared.
Read MoreA Live Woman of Proven Fertility
Alan is overjoyed by the prospect of Judith remarrying, as he would no longer have to pay alimony. Alan gets Charlie to help him when it looks like the marriage maybe derailed due to Jake’s dislike of his mother’s fiancé.
Read MoreApologies for the Frivolity
Charlie is dating a woman whose personality and life are like his mother’s.
Read MoreRepeated Blows to His Unformed Head
Berta's daughter, Naomi is pregnant and Berta drags Charlie with her when she confronts the baby’s father. Alan reveals a secret fetish.
Read MoreRelease the Dogs
Alan suffers from insomnia. He visits his psychiatrist, who reveals that the cause of Alan's sleepless nights is his jealousy towards Charlie, and his inability to glide through life.
Read MoreCorey's Been Dead for an Hour
Charlie gets tired of Alan's mooching and reaches the breaking point during the brothers' double date. Jake is left home alone for the first time.
Read MoreKissing Abraham Lincoln
Worrying Charlie may get rid of one of them, Berta and Lydia fight over him. Meanwhile, Kandi does everything she can to stop Alan from selling their condo.
Read MoreWalnuts and Demerol
Charlie's friends and family put a crimp in his plan for a romantic Christmas Eve date. When Evelyn sees who the date is, she goes to great lengths to force a wedge between them.
Read MoreCastrating Sheep in Montana
Berta discovers that Alan has been dating her daughter Naomi.
Read MoreDon't Worry, Speed Racer
Jake shares that he has heard his mother having sex with her fiancée, Herb; this revelation brings up a repressed memory for Charlie. This leads Charlie to seek help from Rose.
Read MoreThat's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
Charlie sets Alan up with their new neighbour. But he gets jealous when the two form a bond.
Read MoreMy Damn Stalker
Rose is moving to London, and Charlie is surprised by his reaction to the news. Alan lies to a woman he met online.
Read MoreYoung People Have Phlegm Too
Charlie's young, hot girlfriend takes him to a new club. She invites Alan to meet one of her friends but the men are shocked to learn that they are considered as being "old".
Read MoreI Merely Slept With a Commie
After Evelyn tells Alan and Charlie how she feels about there being no mourners at her friend’s funeral, the boys share their feelings that this could also be the case at her funeral. Evelyn tries to prove them wrong by introducing them to a couple she help adopt a boy from China. The boys return fire by inviting the young man to a play date with Jake.
Read MoreIt Never Rains in Hooterville
Alan tries to bond with Jake when he realizes that his childhood is almost over. Kandi pursues a career in acting.
Read MoreSmooth as a Ken Doll
Charlie takes a liking to Myra, the witty sister of Judith's fiancé, Herb.
Read MoreAunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
Alan looks forward to Judith's wedding, while Charlie and Myra continue their romance.
Read MoreTucked, Taped and Gorgeous
Alan and Charlie re-examine their sexual identities after Alan befriends Greg, a gay man. Meanwhile, Jake has a crush on Greg's daughter.
Read MoreMr. McGlue's Feedbag
Jake gets lucky after Charlie takes him to the racetrack. Meanwhile, Alan has a difficult time at the DMV.
Read MoreAnteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'
Charlie is shocked when the handyman working on his house beats him out for Chloe's affections. Alan has no sympathy for Charlie’s distress.
Read MoreProstitutes and Gelato
Evelyn's boyfriend, Teddy, invites Alan and Charlie to go with him to Las Vegas on his private jet. The boys confront their individual 'daddy issues'
Read MoreLarge Birds, Spiders and Mom
Jake is getting ready to start a new school as he graduates to Junior High. Alan and Charlie take him school shopping and find themselves in trouble.
Read MoreMedia Room Slash Dungeon
Charlie acts strange after spending an evening with his mother, and a woman Alan slept with behaves oddly the next morning.
Read MoreDum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
Alan convinces Charlie that he needs to date more respectable women and sets him up with a judge. The two double date and their waitress happens to be one of Charlie’s ex-girlfriends. Charlie's date backfires the following morning, when he ends up in court in front of the judge.
Read MoreCity of Great Racks
Charlie and Linda get closer to consummating their relationship, but Charlie has trouble focusing when he begins to see Rose's face everywhere he turns.
Read MoreOur Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room
After Alan and Charlie have a fight about Alan's role in the house. Alan packs Jake up and moves in with his mother.
Read MoreIs There a Mrs. Waffles?
Charlie writes a children’s song and finds success as Charlie Waffles. The children love him and the mothers seem to as well. Charlie's new found fame irritates Alan.
Read MoreKinda Like Necrophilia
Alan finds out that Charlie stole his girlfriend and works on a plan to get back at Charlie, even though this happened when they were in high school.
Read MoreA Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
Rose returns from England, and plays nurse rather oddly for an ill Charlie.
Read MoreThe Soil Is Moist
Alan finds out some surprising information about Judith's sex life when he decides to go on a date with one of her friends.
Read MoreRough Night in Hump Junction
Alan feels Charlie is unable to control his womanizing ways.
Read MoreWaiting for the Right Snapper
When Charlie meets Angie's soon to be daughter-in-law, he realizes it's not for the first time.
Read MoreTaterhead Is Our Love Child
In the 6th season opener, Charlie runs into an ex-girlfriend and a child who bears a striking resemblance to Charlie.
Read MorePie Hole, Herb
Charlie borrowed money from Alan and on the day he is supposed to pay him back, Alan goes to ask Charlie for the money. He again finds Charlie in bed with a beautiful woman. After Charlie shoos him out and assures him he'll get the money for him later that day, the woman asks if Charlie is really out of cash and Charlie tells her not to worry, that he has plenty of hooker money.
Read MoreDamn You, Eggs Benedict
Alan, Jake, and Charlie all decide to try new things: Alan is dating more than one woman, Charlie learns to cook, and Jake experiments with beer.
Read MoreThe Devil's Lube
Charlie finds himself re-examining his wild ways when an old friend dies and begins to feel that his time on Earth may be drawing to a close.
Read MoreI Think You Offended Don
Judith is pregnant with a baby girl and Alan is convinced he is the father.
Read MoreMy Son's Enormous Head
Chelsea's illness gives Charlie a chance to prove he can take care of her, but also yearning to run away from the situation.
Read MoreThe Two Finger Rule
After Chelsea discovers a nude picture of another woman on Charlie's cell phone, he blows off steam by going out for a night of drinking with Alan, Herb and his neighbor.
Read MoreHello, I Am Alan Cousteau
Charlie's desperate to make sure Chelsea and Evelyn don't befriend each other following their first meeting.
Read MoreAbove Exalted Cyclops
Chelsea is asked by Alan to arrange a blind date between he and her new friend, unaware that her new friend is Rose.
Read MoreSir Lancelot's Litter Box
Charlie mourns the loss of his bachelor pad as he reluctantly allows Chelsea to move in. Meanwhile, Alan discovers there is no longer much space left in the house for him.
Read MoreBaseball Was Better with Steroids
Charlie starts to question his relationship with Chelsea when he hears that Mia is back in town. Meanwhile, Judith goes into labor and Charlie, Alan and Herb rush her to the hospital, on the sixth season finale.
Read More818-jklpuzo
Charlie must make a difficult decision about his future and with which woman he wants to spend his life: Chelsea or Mia.
Read MoreMmm, Fish. Yum.
Alan ends up playing maid to Judith's new baby as well as his former mother-in-law. Meanwhile, Jake uses an incriminating photo to blackmail Charlie.
Read MoreWarning, It's Dirty
Jake is taught the art of infidelity by Charlie, while Celeste is away for Christmas.
Read MoreCrude and Uncalled For (1)
Charlie suspects Chelsea likes the lawyer representing Alan after his arrest for a bar fight.
Read MoreAye, Aye, Captain Douche (2)
Chelsea and Charlie's relationship is at risk when Charlie's jealousy comes between them.
Read MoreTinkle Like a Princess
Charlie runs off to Vegas and returns with a new wife, but she's not Chelsea.
Read MoreI Found Your Moustache
Charlie and Chelsea have a post-breakup one-night stand.
Read MoreI Called Him Magoo
Alan tries for an intimate night at a hotel with his new girlfriend, while Charlie takes a different approach to obtain the "girlfriend experience"
Read MoreGumby with a Pokey
Charlie is visited by the ghosts of his ex-girlfriends while Alan and Jake are on a road trip.
Read MoreThis Is Not Gonna End Well
Charlie is miffed over Alan's planned attendance of Chelsea's birthday party and suffers the indignity of having Jake chauffer him around following a license suspension.
Read MoreThree Girls and a Guy Named Bud
When Jake finds out that Alan has been dating Eldridge's mom, he packs up and heads to Judith and Herb's. Meanwhile, Charlie decides it's time to cut back on boozing.
Read MoreA Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
Charlie is willing to do anything for Alan to accept Lyndsey's offer to move in with her.
Read MoreA Pudding-Filled Cactus
After moving in with Lyndsey, Alan continues to have a rendezvous with Melissa at Charlie's house.
Read MoreThe Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
Alan pretends to be Charlie when he goes out on the town; Charlie sneaks off for cosmetic surgery.
Read MoreTwanging Your Magic Clanger
Charlie has difficulty dealing with dating a slightly older woman.
Read MoreThe Crazy Bitch Gazette
Charlie's girlfriend gets fed up with his stalker, Rose.
Read MoreOw, Ow, Don't Stop
When Charlie's ex-girlfriend Courtney is released from prison, he treats her to the good life despite her having been in prison for conning him.
Read MoreLookin' for Japanese Subs
Obsessed and believing her to be married, Charlie starts stalking Rose. Jake and Eldridge start taping themselves doing Jackass-style stunts.
Read MoreThat Darn Priest
Rose and Alan discover each other's secrets. Meanwhile, Charlie's desperate to get some time alone with Rose.
Read MoreNice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
Alan and Jake meet Walden Schmidt, a broken-hearted billionaire.
Read MorePeople Who Love Peepholes
Walden deals with his ex-wife, Bridget.
Read MoreNine Magic Fingers
Walden goes looking for Mrs. Right while Alan has an opportunity to reconcile with Lyndsey.
Read MoreA Giant Cat Holding a Churro
Alan has trouble accepting Lyndsey's seedy movie past, and Walden tries to cheer him up by throwing a party.
Read MoreThe Squat and the Hover
Walden receives divorce papers from Bridget, but forgets his depression when he meets a girl who looks eerily like her.
Read MoreFrodo's Headshots
Upon his release from the hospital, Alan is met with a slew of challenges that test his ability to cope.
Read MoreA Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
Walden hits it off with a British babe, but neither of them is sure he's ready to re-enter the dating world.
Read MoreWhat a Lovely Landing Strip
Walden is trying his best to impress his new love interest when Bridget reappears in his life.
Read MoreOne False Move, Zimbabwe!
Walden's mother arrives and Alan is smitten with her, even as she reveals a secret about Walden's past that sends him into a downward spiral.
Read MoreSlowly and in a Circular Fashion
Walden’s ex-wife and mother try to take control of his company, so he turns to Alan for help.
Read MoreThe Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
Walden tries to loosen Zooey up by sharing some of Berta's special brownies.
Read MoreSips, Sonnets and Sodomy
Strained relationships and girl-fighting result when a huge storm traps Walden, Alan, Zoey and Lyndsey in the house on Valentine's Day.
Read MoreNot in My Mouth!
Walden and Zoey's relationship suffers after they share a near-death experience. Meanwhile, Alan wonders if Lyndsey has a drinking problem.
Read MoreThe War Against Gingivitis
Walden's ex-business partner shows up at the beach house looking to make peace.
Read MorePalmdale, Ech
Alan and Lyndsey introduce their mothers. Jake and Eldridge get a ride from Walden to a party.
Read MoreGrandma's Pie
Walden breaks the news to Zoey that he is going into business with his ex-wife. Alan and Lyndsey try to cope with their mom's relationship.
Read MoreMr. Hose Says 'Yes'
Walden's commitment is tested when Zoey and her daughter come to live with him. Meanwhile, Alan gets more than he bargained for when he moves in with Lyndsey
Read MoreWhy We Gave Up Women
Charlie's ghost pays a visit to Alan after he suffers a minor heart attack.
Read MoreThe Straw in My Donut Hole
Alan is showered with love and affection upon returning from the hospital, but Zoey isn’t so sure it’s deserved.
Read MoreOh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Jake is pressured to make a decision about his future.
Read More