Mark Gatiss — Writer

Episodes 19

January 11, 1999
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Ben struggles to take in Auntie Val and Uncle Harvey’s incomprehensible house rules, while Martin poses a threat to the precious things in Tubbs and Edward’s Local Shop. At the local job center, Pauline is furious when someone lands an interview without her help. Taxi driver Babs makes middling progress through her sex change.

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January 18, 1999
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Royston Vasey's new road is under construction: good news for all the town's inhabitants except Tubbs and Edward won't this bring strangers to the town? Judee is off to Antigua for a luxury holiday; Pauline is holding a workshop in selling the Big Issue (a newspaper for the homeless), and Ben is trying to use the telephone at the Dentons. We meet butcher Hillary Briss, Henry and Ally, the video-viewers and Reverend Bernice, Royston Vasey's outspoken lady vicar.

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January 25, 1999
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An employee working on the new road stumbles into the lair of Edward and Tubbs, breakfast at the Denton's is not what Benjamin was expecting, and a tortoise has an unfortunate encounter with Dr. Chinnery.

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February 1, 1999
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Chinnery examines the so-called "beast", but has he correctly identified it? Also, the Legz Akimbo Theatre Company arrives to perform a play at the local school.

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February 8, 1999
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Ben tries to escape from the Dentons. Henry and Ally go to the wrong film but try to make the best of it. Geoff gives a very truthful and upsetting speech at Mike's wedding.

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February 15, 1999
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  • Tubbs & Edward's son David returns. Tubbs is thrilled, but Edward is resentful of his son-especially when he reveals he is responsible for the construction of ""newroad""! - Ben leaves Royston Vasey, taking with him a gift from the Dentons: an itemised bill covering expences incurred during his stay (phone calls, use of toilet tissue, etc). - Ross Reveals that he is really an employee for the Social Services. He has Pauline sacked, forcing her to hand over her pens! - Edward and David have a little chat. Facing away from Tubbs, he tells her that he no longer wants to build the road. Turning around to reveal his pig-nose, he declares ""I want to live locally"". Tubbs deserts David and Edward and leaves the shop. - Ben approaches Tubbs out on the moors, asking if she is local. Tubbs replies ""Yes, I am"", and they both head to the shop. Ben tells Tubbs that his friend who went missing had a pair of shoes just like hers. The credits roll...
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January 14, 2000
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The carnival comes to town and Pauline starts at the Restart Room as a jobseeker. Val makes a wish on a magic toad that brings back Benjamin. A nosebleed epidemic breaks out at the circus.

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January 21, 2000
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The nosebleed epidemic continues. Pauline gets a new job as an assistant food science operative at Burger Me! Herr Lipp and students arrive on an exchange visit from Diusberg, and the guesthouse closes for a very private function.

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January 28, 2000
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Pen-obsessed Pauline tackles Ross about her job prospects or lack thereof, and Edward sets a trap to catch a bride for David. Butcher Hilary Briss has a problem with one of his "special" customers.

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February 4, 2000
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Hilary Briss and Maurice take an early walk in the woods to collect a "Special Delivery." Mike, Brian, and Geoff get lost on their way to a plastics convention, and Morris is dealt with.

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February 11, 2000
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Pauline leaves her hostage with Mikey to go in search fo food. Geoff and Brian bury Mike alive, and Tubbs and Edward catch a no-tail. Lee finds that Creme Brulee has reformed without him.

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Roysten Vasey is quarantined as the nosebleed epidemic claims a distinguished victim. The Legz Akimbo Theatre Group comes to town, and there is a wedding at the local shop.

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December 27, 2000
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Synopsis

Reverend Bernice is in a typically unfestive mood at Christmas time, haunted by a terrible Christmas memory, when three visitors appear at her church, each with a chilling tale to tell.

STORY 1: Charlie Hull comes to tell Bernice a terrible tale of line-dancing and revenge, as Stella plots to ruin his chances in a dancing contest by using "Solutions", a coven of local women who help wreak revenge on those who have wronged. Charlie's night ends in disaster as planned: unfortunately for Stella, revenge comes at a high cost, as she is about to find out...

STORY 2: An old man arrives to recount the story of his visit to the German town of Duisberg in 1975, where he boarded with the sinister Herr Lipp and his wife Lotte. The young Matthew fends off Herr Lipp's advances, and comes to some startling conclusions about the man, believing him to have a penchant for sucking blood. Nothing is as it seems, however...

STORY 3: Chinnery turns up covered in blood and feathers, distraught having lost another patient to recount a story to Bernice ("God, it's getting like bloody Jackanory in here!"): his great-grandfather, one of the very best vets in the country, was sent in 1895 to work in Royston Vasey. Conned by the elderly Dr Purblind, Chinnery fell victim to a curse that would doom his ancestors for generations...

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November 19, 2001
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Regular Cast: Mark as Scott of the Antarctic/ Stumphole Guide/ Tony/ Phil Proctor/ Brian Morgan/ Iris Krell/ Mickey Love/ Les McQueen/ Val Denton/ Al/ and Others Steve as Tish/ Charlie Hull/ Sir Quincey Stiles/ Dave Parkes/ Tubbs/ Mike Harris/ Herr Lipp/ Pauline/ ""Morbid Obesity""/ Harvey Denton/ Pop/ and Others Reese as Pam Doove/ Stella Hull/ Ollie Plimsoles/ Edward/ Geoff Tipps/ Judee Levinson/ Ross Gaines/ Cathy Carter-Smith/ Papa Lazarou/ Bernice/ Benjamin Denton/ Rich/ and Others

The LoG's 2001 live show, which toured the country and included a run at London's Theatre Royal Drury Lane, comes to video & DVD. ACT ONE: Voodoo Lady: The guys make their entrance on stage and sing the classic Creme Brulee hit "Voodoo Lady"

Hamlet: Steve and Mark watch a performance of Hamlet in the style of very vocal football supporters (""He's fat, he's bad, he murdered Hamlet's dad, Claudius!"") and hope this time the end will be different.

Go Johnny Go-Go-Go-Go: A friendly game of cards

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October 3, 2002
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Lance bribes hospital disc jockey Mike King to arrange an under-the-counter arm transplant. Meanwhile, Glenn and Barry fail miserably in an attempt to recover outstanding debts.

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October 10, 2002
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Geoff is fired from his job and leaves in an attempt to make it as a stand-up comedian in London. There he runs into the Legz Akimbo team and Mike.

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October 17, 2002
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Regular Cast: Mark as Alvin Steele / Les McQueen Steve as Daddy / Nancy Glass / Barbara [voice] / Anne Hand Reese as Noel Glass / Judith Buckle / Terry Lollard B&B proprietors Alvin and Sunny invite their weekend 'Sexplorers' to join them in a voyage of auto-erotic discovery - although Alvin would prefer to be at the garden centre. But who is the mysterious femme fatale in the dwarf conifers and what is the secret of the fearsome 'Medusa'? The Ending: Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen is having a fag with his wig off in the backyard of the Windermere when the white van comes crashing through the wall, sending tons of bricks down on him...

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Regular Cast: Mark as Tony / Iris Krell [voice] / Neds / Professor Breastpinch'd Steve as Charlie Hull Reese as Stella Hull / Judee Levinson / Keith Drop CHARLIE & STELLA / MRS LEVINSON: The Hulls' marriage seems to have disintegrated beyond repair and Stella's hooked on playing fruit machines. Meanwhile, Charlie starts working for Judee Levinson at her new beauty salon, the ""Spit and Polish"", doing massages on blindfolded clients, who think it's Judee doing them herself. His healing hands wow the customers, until an old man asks if he can do any ""extras"". Word spreads and the salon is packed with the men of Royston Vasey, blissfully unaware they are being wanked off by Charlie. When Tony comes for one of the ""special massages"", Charlie becomes obsessed with him and falls in love with him, eventually telling Tony he's the masseur with the magic hands. Tony is disgusted and the shit hits the fan: Stella wins big on the fruit machines and jets off overseas, and Judee sacks him.

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October 31, 2002
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After a bag is blown out the window of the Charity Shop Vinnie spots it on a country road and sets out in hot pursuit. Papa Lazarou returns and all the series' loose ends are tied up.

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