J takes an encounter with a newspaper columnist, who annoyed him and turns it into a chance at getting his own nationally syndicated column.

Against Melissa's wishes, J arranges to meet her parents while they're in town visiting, but quickly discovers why she was so reluctant to introduce him to her germaphobic mother and crazy father. Meanwhile, Gordon and Shari try their hand at writing a children's book, hoping to win a contest that awards the winning author $50,000.