Lew Schneider — Writer

Episodes 28

Look Don't Touch

7.3
October 11, 199623m
1x5

Nemo's niece, Angelina, takes employment at Nemo's as a waitress at Nemo's. When Angelina catches Ray's eye, he has a lot of explaining to do to his wife, Debra especially when Angelina calls him at home. Ray accidentally leaves his wallet at Nemo's, and Angelina calls him at home to let him know she found it. But, because he feels guilty about his innocent attraction, Ray denies ever knowing her. When the situation is blown out of proportion by the Barone family, Debra decides to visit Nemo's to see what all the fuss is about.

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Turkey or Fish

7.0
November 22, 199623m
1x10

Although Marie has always cooked the traditional turkey dinner for Thanksgiving, Debra decides it's her turn to prepare the holiday meal, but, not wanting to compete with Marie's turkey, she chooses to serve fish which upsets the apple cart. Marie, feeling threatened when her family thinks Debra's fish idea is perfectly acceptable, decides to bring her own turkey to the dinner party to prove that she's the better cook. Meanwhile, Ray's idea of a traditional holiday at home becomes even more untraditional when the relatives opt not to watch football.

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The Car

7.3
January 31, 199723m
1x15

Debra, already annoyed at getting stuck driving the old car Ray bought from his parents, really gets upset when she discovers that it was his old "make-out-mobile." Debra had been unable to understand why Ray wanted so desperately to buy his parents' old car, until Robert mistakenly blurts out that it's the car in which Ray first "got lucky" as a teenager with his girlfriend. Imagining what might have happened in the car during its earlier life, Debra decides not to drive it again.

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Father Knows Least

7.0
September 29, 199722m
2x2

Ray gets to use the "active technique" he and Debra learned in parenting class on his parents when their stubbornness goes too far. Ray doesn't realize how much he's mastered the technique learned in class until he uses his skills first on his parents and then on Ally, both with surprising results.

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T-Ball

7.0
April 6, 199822m
2x20

Debra brings an "unapproved snack" to Ally's T-ball game and Ray doesn't stand up for her – prominently displaying his fear of being disliked. Debra had no idea that pretzels were not on the "approved snack list" in the orientation packet for Ally's team. And, as a mom juggling three children under the age of 7, she doesn't have time to cater – and really doesn't care. But when Raymond won't take her side against the uptight team parents, she loses her cool and points out that he's just afraid of making enemies. But enemies he makes – at the very next game.

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The Garage Sale

6.3
May 4, 199822m
2x23

As the entire family prepares for "Honest Frank's Yard of Bargains," Ray is surprised to see Debra unloading their cribs and baby clothing for the sale and even more surprised to hear that she just assumed they were finished having children. As usual, their private business becomes a family matter, and Marie reminds Debra that, "You want to plant your seedlings before...winter comes and everything freezes over." Eventually, their disagreement leads to a sentimental journey down the lane of messy memories past. While collecting the kids' baby clothes and old furniture for a garage sale at his parents' house, Ray gets to thinking about having another child, but that's not something Debra has given much thought to.

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The Sitter

7.0
October 5, 199822m
3x3

Feeling overwhelmed with her responsibilities, Debra decides to get a babysitter. But when Lisa, the babysitter, becomes the smash hit at “Space Station Barone” with her alien-catching games and endless energy, Debra develop into a jealous mother. To become the kids’ favorite again, Debra replaces the babysitter with Grandma and disaster ensues when Marie sprains her ankle and Ray uncovers Debra’s secret plot. But by that time, Lisa has been stolen by the Parker family and Bill Parker kicks Ray out of the car pool when he tires to woo her back.

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Working Girl

6.0
April 26, 199922m
3x22

When Debra gets a part-time job in the big city, an unhappy Ray is left to fend for himself — and Marie is left wondering what’s to become of the children, the house and her beloved son now that they will be neglected. However, Ray’s misguided attempt to be more supportive of Debra threatens to put an end to her career before it even starts.

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Robert Moves Back

7.0
May 17, 199922m
3x25

When Robert and Amy get caught alone by some of Robert’s fellow apartment tenants, they are desperate to find someplace, any place, where they can have some time to themselves. Ray comes to the rescue, at Debra’s urging, by allowing Robert to move into their basement for a while. But, when caught again, by someone even more intimidating – – the couple is mortified.

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Boob Job

7.0
September 20, 199922m
4x1

Debra is upset when she sees Ray's giddy reaction to her friend's recently acquired "new and improved" breasts. Anxious to find out whether or not Ray is content with her body as it is or if he would prefer it if she, too, made some minor enhancements to the upper region, Debra decides to conduct a little experiment to determine just how truly satisfied Ray is with her current physique.

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The Christmas Picture

6.0
December 13, 199922m
4x11

Ray decides to get his parents a family portrait for Christmas and they love the idea, until Debra's parents show up to be in it too.

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Hackidu

7.0
February 21, 200022m
4x17

Ray screws up a ""Hackidu"" trade for his daughter, Ally, by giving away a ""Scramisaur"" card that ends up being worth a lot of money. Ray thinks he's being the perfect father by taking an interest in Ally's ""Hackidu"" hobby and advising her on a card swap. But when he inadvertently gives away her favorite card, he has to pay for his mistake – he just didn't realize how much.

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Confronting the Attacker

7.0
May 15, 200022m
4x23

After losing his nerve on the job during his first day back from medical leave, Robert quits the police force. No one realized how much of an effect the ""bull incident"" had on Robert's mental state – and his ability to confront fear and the unexpected. Now, back on the job only one day, he finds himself too scared to handle a minor altercation so, rather than face his fears, he decides to change his career to something ""safer and more solitary"" – telemarketing. However, he rejoins the force after confronting the bull that gored him.

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The Wallpaper

7.0
October 9, 200022m
5x3

Ray finally tells Frank and Marie how he feels about their constant intrusiveness after Marie accidentally drives the car through the front of his house.

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Stefania Arrives

0.0
February 26, 200122m
5x17

Robert gets a surprise visit from Stefania, the woman with whom he fell head over heels in love when the Barones vacationed in Italy. Robert's excitement over having his beloved, and stunningly gorgeous, Stefania so close quickly gives way to annoyance when he is witness to a few of her idiosyncrasies. After spending some quality time with the Italian beauty, sans gelato and gondolas, Robert has to rethink his feelings for her. Meanwhile, Stefania's father, who has accompanied her to America, has his own change of heart with respect to his feelings for Robert.

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Humm Vac

7.0
March 19, 200122m
5x18

Ray purchases a new state-of-the-art vacuum cleaner from an attractive door to door saleswoman and it ignites a housekeeping war between Marie and Debra. Debra is as taken with the new vacuum as Ray once she witnesses all of the wonderful things it can do. That is, until she learns why the saleswoman showed up at their door in the first place. Determined to prove to Marie that she's is just as good at ""keeping house,"" Debra attempts to use the new vacuum to find some dirt, any dirt, in Marie's home. Of course, the results are disastrous

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It's Supposed to Be Fun

6.0
November 12, 200122m
6x8

While the Barones watch their sons play, Ray finds that Geoffery is having trouble getting the hang of the game. As Geoffery skips down the court and does pirouettes at the free throw line, Ray is mortified. He then learns the hard way that his son's lack of ability shouldn't interfere with either of them enjoying the game.

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The Skit

8.5
February 25, 200222m
6x17

Thinking it would be hilarious to show the partygoers a typical day in the life of Frank and Marie, Ray and Debra do a dead-on impersonation of the two that brings down the house at the party. But, when Frank and Marie turn the tables and do a ""Ray and Debra"" imitation, Ray and Debra don't find it funny at all.

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A Vote for Debra

6.0
March 25, 200222m
6x20

Debra decides to run for school president but Ray isn't sure he can handle the twins by himself during all those meetings so he votes against her. She loses and finds out that he voted against her so they get into an argument but her mouth is quickly shut when she reveals that she denied knowing him because he was embarrassing her.

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The Bigger Person (2)

7.0
May 13, 200222m
6x23

The feud continues when Ray realizes that he can use the feud to get Debra to do almost anything for him, dragging Frank into doing it with Marie. Things are going as planned, but Robert is sickened by their carelessness. The pressure gets to Robert and he tells both Debra and Marie that Ray and Frank are ""exploiting the situation"" in order to bring them back together. But, all it creates is more mayhem.

To Be Continued...

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The Annoying Kid

7.0
November 11, 200222m
7x8

Ray and Debra are excited to have finally met a couple, Neil and Lauren, who are just like them. However, Ray starts having mixed feelings when their annoying 8 year-old son, Spencer, wreaks havoc around the Barone household.

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Grandpa Steals

6.0
January 6, 200322m
7x12

Boisterous Frank learns a difficult lesson in humility from his granddaughter, Ally. During a trip to the supermarket with Ray and Ally, Frank starts nibbling on some trail mix, completely ignoring the nearby ""no sampling"" sign. He's soon confronted by a testy manager, and a heated argument ensues. Watching it all unfold is Ally, who becomes frightened by Frank's ranting. When the trio returns home, Ray speaks to his father about his behavior. While Ray's comments initially fall on deaf ears, Frank later realizes he needs to talk to Ally... but now he's scared because he's never had a real conversation with her.

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Meeting the Parents

7.0
February 24, 200322m
7x17

Amy's mom and dad finally meet the Barone Family. Amy's folks show up unexpectedly at their daughter's house on a Sunday morning. They want to talk Amy out of marrying Robert and take her home to Pennsylvania with them. First, they are stunned to see Robert there. Then Frank and Marie arrive. It doesn't take long for the two sets of parents to disliking each other.

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The Surprise Party

6.0
November 17, 200322m
8x8

After Debra's mother suggests throwing Debra an ""old-fashioned English Tea Party,"" Ray reluctantly agrees after she promises to do all the work. When Debra realizes Ray is planning something for her birthday, she suggests he change the theme to a Chinese banquet. Unfortunately, Lois has already started planning the tea party and now Ray must find a way to convince her to change her plans.

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Debra at the Lodge

7.0
January 5, 200422m
8x11

When Debra accepts a position at Frank's lodge to help plan a member recruitment party, Ray begins to resent how much time she is spending away from home.

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Angry Sex

7.0
October 4, 200422m
9x3

When Debra and Marie have a big fight, Ray is struck with worry when he thinks Debra's anger will cause her to forget about their sex that night. But, it is the opposite when that anger causes a more intense night with sex. Ray really begins to enjoy it and realizes that the angrier Debra gets at Marie, the better sex they have. When Marie comes over to apologize, Ray makes up a chain of lies to both Marie and Debra so it doesn't ruin his plans.

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The Faux Pas

7.0
February 7, 200522m
9x11

Ray accidentally insults the twins' new friend and the faux pas quickly spirals out of contral when he repeats it to the boy's dad.

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Finale

6.5
Season Finale
May 16, 200522m
9x16

Ray fears getting his adenoids removed, but Debra convinces him to go through with the surgery. At the hospital, while Marie is in the bathroom, the nurse says that Ray isn't waking up from the anesthesia and everyone fears he may die. Fortunately, thirty seconds later, the doctor comes out and says he's just fine. Everyone agrees not to tell Ray or Marie about it; however, Frank ends up telling Marie who rushes over to smother Ray with kisses. Ray finds out about it and begins acting weird as if he thinks he really is going to die. After a couple minutes, he gets out of it. The show closes with the entire family sitting around the table eating and arguing, just like the Barones always have in the past nine years.

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