When an earthquake hits, Claire gets stuck in the bathroom with the plumber; Manny experiences an existential crisis while out with Jay; Mitchell and Cameron use the quake as an excuse to get out of a party thrown by a friend (Nathan Lane).

Claire tries to stop Phil from embarrassing himself at a realtors' banquet by giving an unfunny speech, while Mitchell tries to convince Cameron to change his wardrobe. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria go to a quinceañera hosted by one of his employees, and Haley gives Alex advice on how to be cool.

Claire and Haley have a bit of quality girl time while they're stuck at home sick, and Phil is preoccupied by the taunts of a chirping smoke detector. Gloria and Manny's surprise visit at Jay's work leads to headaches for Jay, and Cameron gets swept up by all the lights and cameras when he goes behind Mitchell's back and takes Lily for a commercial.

Gloria decides to honor her late grandmother by cooking more traditional Colombian meals; Claire finds out Alex is interested in a boy; Mitchell's aversion to public displays of affection causes an argument.

Phil finally agrees to sell the old station wagon but only after a family trip down memory lane; Cameron asks Jay for help when Mitchell decides to build a life-size princess castle for Lily.

In an attempt to reconnect the family, Phil and Claire challenge the family to see who can abstain from using their electronic devices the longest. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron attempt to get Lilly into the best pre-school and Gloria deals with the neighbor's barking dog.

Mitchell tries to tell Cameron how he feels uncomfortable with his mom, Barb Tucker. Meanwhile, Haley breaks up with Dylan much to Phil's dismay and Claire's delight. Jay has a little stomach ache that gets exacerbated when he and Manny look it up on the Internet.

At Luke and Manny's first school dance, Jay and Phil take them to the mall which turns disastrous, Claire's happiness turns into jealousy when Gloria joins the school dance committee. Meanwhile, Cameron and Mitchell learn about Lily biting other kids at the playground.

Claire gets ready to spookify the Dunphy house for the trick or treaters during her favorite holiday. She gives each family member a role to play, but nothing goes right. Cameron won't stop hating the holiday due to a traumatic childhood experience. Mitchell had a terrible day at work, and Gloria acts weird after Jay and Manny tease her about her accent.

Phil and Claire pressure Alex to ease back on her school work, but begin to worry about their own intellectual drives. Meanwhile, Jay is upset when Gloria tries to befriend a new couple, and Mitchell runs into an old female flame.

It's Manny's birthday and the family is gathering at a restaurant to celebrate, though Manny himself is depressed about getting older. Phil and Claire decide to engage in a not-so-friendly car race on the way to the restaurant, and Mitch and Cam get sidetracked when they stop at the mall to pick up a gift.

Claire becomes a determined neighborhood vigilante hoping to catch and stop a menacing car that speeds though their streets. Meanwhile, Phil is busy trying to land an important listing with a difficult client, Jay teaches Manny how to ride a bike -- only to learn Gloria needs lessons too -- and Mitchell and Cameron stumble upon a mysterious neighbor who is quite the charmer.

It's Phil and Claire's anniversary, and when the kids go to surprise them with breakfast in bed, they get a surprise of their own. Jay and Gloria's plans for a Vegas vacation are ruined because of a brutally honest email accidentally sent to Claire, and Mitchell and Cam try to get into a new restaurant owned by a mom at Lily's preschool.

Phil and Claire have a huge fight and Phil hasn't a clue as to what it was over, so Gloria steps in to counsel Phil while Jay counsels Claire. Meanwhile, Jay has some regret in buying Gloria a karaoke machine, and Cameron is in full prep mode for a huge fund-raising event and asks Mitchell and Luke for help.

Claire runs herself ragged trying to fix the relationship between Haley and Alex, while Phil sneaks off to the spa. Meanwhile, Gloria is horrified by Jay's morbid plans to purchase two side-by-side crypts in preparation of their death, and Cameron decides he wants to write a book that celebrates the fact that Lily is adopted, but soon learns something new.

Claire and Phil decide to reprise their role-playing adventure from last year's Valentine's Day. Meanwhile, Jay's surprise plans for Gloria keeps getting interrupted, and a secret admirer comes between Cameron and Mitchell.

The guest list for Lily's princess-themed birthday party gets a little out of hand when Mitchell decides to invite his mom, much to Claire's dismay, and disinvite Fizbo, much to Cameron's dismay. Things get even more strange when DeDe shows up with Claire's old high school boyfriend in tow, and Jay and Gloria each turn to their own unique methods of dealing with this gathering of misfits.

Mitchell and Cameron assess their family members in trying to decide who would best take care of Lily should anything happen to them.

Cameron is overzealous in his planning of the spring musical performance at Luke and Manny's school. Jay's brother visits while Phil convinces the family to be in his new TV ad.

Luke becomes friends with a curmudgeon old neighbor, which does not please Phil and Claire. Meanwhile, Gloria and Manny try to get Jay to join them at the symphony, but in an attempt to avoid the concert, he instead ends up with Mitchell and Cameron on their "boys' night out" while Haley babysits for Lily.

Claire and Gloria's Mother's Day excursion outdoors with the kids turns into the mother of all disasters. Meanwhile, Phil and Jay share an awkward moment when they stay home to prepare dinner for everyone, and Cameron worries about gender roles in his relationship with Mitchell.

Jay advises a dog trainer, while Phil and Claire switch parenting duties to the kids' chagrin. Mitchell has an extra Lady Gaga ticket when Cameron ends up sick.

Jay wants to go fishing on his birthday, but the family insists he have a big party, leading Claire and Mitchell to get trapped in their childhood yard, Phil to encounter his college nemesis at the mall and Cameron to have trouble at the bakery.

The whole family is gathering at Jay's before heading out to Alex's graduation ceremony from middle school, but while at the house, Jay is preoccupied hiding a botox mishap from everyone, Cameron is upset about Mitchell's habit of laughing at his expense, and Phil tries to sympathize with, yet also criticizes Claire on her impending breakdown over the kids growing up too fast. All of this, plus a faulty gate, could mean their missing Alex's big moment.