Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (2019)

Written by Wehrmacht on December 28, 2019

5 reasons you'll love this movie:

You can't spoil the plot to anyone who hasn't seen it, because it doesn't HAVE a plot. Sure, stuff happens, and if you blab about it, you'll get asked "Who did what? When? Why?", and you won't be able to answer because you won't know either.

It validates your blind optimism over everyone else's cool deliberation, because our so-called heroes just blunder their way through every peril imaginable without any logic, strategy or preparedness, yet they come out unscathed for [reasons]. Often using guesswork, or was that "The Force"?

No need for you to remember any complicated story arcs, bothersome subtle clues or dramatic prophecy drops from throughout the series, because this final movie just makes up completely new stuff that you couldn't possibly have seen coming because it never existed before.

It's ridiculously easy to re-enact the movie at your next cosplay gathering, because the characterisations are so shallow and vapid that all you need to do is ad-lib the actors' lines, and you'll probably get a better script.

All that junk you've accumulated over the years will come in damn handy one day, just like it did for our so-called heroes. They managed to have everything they need on hand. So much so, that vitally important junk literally materialises right in front of them, and usually from places that makes you wonder why they never noticed it years ago.